MKal's Journal

   Yes, I had 6 lovely days of high energy, happiness, get-up-and-go, and being basically normal.

   What happened was that last Saturday night I was supposed to put another patch on (Vivelle Dot; my perscription says to put it on twice a week for a month), but I felt GOOD, and I've been wanting to wean myself off of it. I had made a graph of the last 4 months so I could compare how I felt (using the smily-to-crying faces in this site) to when I use the patch and take progestin, when my periods are, and when I have epileptic seizures to see if there were ANY pattern at all connecting anything. (I continue my vitamin supplement regime and still try the new Mental Approach -which is basically Acceptance). I found that using the HRT didn't always improve my physical/mental/emotional condition, and that it would still go up and down. I consulted "Menopause Without Medication" and studied the chart on pg. 42 that lists symptoms of both estrogen deficiency and excess. Thinking that perhaps half the time, while on the patch, I was OVER the correct level of estrogen, I thought I'd try not using the patch when I was feeling okay. So I did.

   Enter the 6 lovely days; I got a lot done, I was a wonderful mommy, I cleaned and organized (still didn't feel like sex,though). It was GREAT!!

   The only thing I did wrong was somehow not getting enough sleep during that time; we had a sewer problem one night and I had to hold the flashlight for my husband while he worked on it. And he and I spent a lot of time just being together.

   Then I woke up this morning....the stomach rolling, high anxiety levels, sweating, then chills, aches and pains, and very, very tired. I stayed in bed most of the day. Had a seizure at 10:45, and now at 5pm, I went and put a damn patch on because I'm starting to feel awful mentally (when my mental state goes, the house suddenly looks dark and foreboding; I get scared and shaky, and if I can't get a handle on it, I can fall into the Pit of Dementia and Despair very easily). So here I am, attempting to find some comfort and stability. Will go and cry when I'm done here. Am also trying to adopt an "Oh, well, I had a couple good days in a row" attitude, but the combination of physically feeling bad and the mental shakiness is not helping my emotional stability at all.

   I promise to be good to myself and not get angry that this is happening. I promise to take it easy and just put aside the chores and duties until I'm feeling better and can do them.

   But what do I do about this feeling of being lost? This feeling of being all alone? Oh, and the doomsday thoughts don't help either. Am EXTREMELY emotionally needy right now, and there's no one I can call for grounding. My sister and mother-in-law are useless at times like this, and while my aunt is very grounded, she's extremely clinical and tries to analyze everything and give me Advice. I don't need Advice; I need Grounding, Mental and Emotional Stablilizing. I need someone to listen sympathetically and hug me over the phone and remind me that everything's going to be fine. J and our daughter will be home in an hour, and while J is very good at being comforting, somewhere deep down, I need reassurance from someone my age and my situation; the man and the nine-yr-old can only sympathize so far.

   Oh, my god, and I filled up the fridge with veggies and fruit and things that need to be made into meals. PLEASE let me feel better so all this food doesn't go to waste like so many times in the past. (I'd go to the Farmer's Market and shop for groceries, then I'd get menopausal for up to a week while my family ate burgers andpizza, and then all that fresh food would go bad and have to be thrown away. Money down the drain.)

   Hope whoever's reading this is doing better than me.