Devensmama's Journal

Today my sweet Deven has been gone for 81 days.  I don't know why I am compelled to remeber how long my Deven has been gone but I do.  However, I have decided that after 100 days I am going to make myself stop.  I don't think I will ever have any sort of closer if I don't.  At the same time I feel guilty for not counting the days.  Its almost as if Deven is just gone with gma or gpa and he will be coming home any day now.  I feel like the worst mother in the world.  I can't even look at my sweet boy's pictures, that just kills me.  But at the same time I will never take him down, he is my baby just like my 9 year old is and my children are equals even if my Deven is not here on earth with us.  My office is full of my babies pictures and I will never take any down but i can't look.  Whats wrong with me.  My husband has no problems looking at Deven and loves to look at his pictures.  Jayme and I have been married for 10 years on May 19 and we have gone through alot together.  But never anything like this, we are going thru hell right now but i guess if I have to go thru hell there is noone else i would rather do it with.  We still have our 9 year old Collin and eachother and anytime you say "what else could go wrong"  I guess there is always something worse and the only thing that could be worse is if lost Jayme or Collin.  I love you my sweet Deven and miss you more than I have ever missed anyone.  You are forever in my heart.  Love Mama