ladybuglover369's Journal

I am so tired of the pain in this world. I am so tired of the constant let down each and every month. I am tired of everyone else getting what I want!

I feel like the world is crumbling around my feet and I don't know what to do. The more I try to hold on, the further away I fall.

I wish I could explain the feelings swirling around in my head. I just feel like its the end for us. There is no more that I can do at this point. We have no recourse, no next move, no escape from this downward spiral. I can't keep up with it anymore.

Somehow everything seems to land on my shoulders. I can't take it anymore. I just feel so hopeless. We have to come up with 1869.00 in five days. There is no way I can come up with it! I don't know what to do! I'm scared and worried and irritated. I can't do this on my income alone. Seriously, my husband and my father both need to be working full time.

Then there's the whole pregnancy thing. Okay I get that in our current financial situation we really can't afford to have another baby in the house, but we're probably going to get one anyway because of my father. He should be finding out any day now if William is his and then we will have custody of one more.

But why cant we be the ones to have a baby. Why does my dad get to have a baby in a disfunctional relationship with a mom who can't even raise her own children while Steve and I have to sit around praying for a baby together. I feel like it will never happen for us. I keep getting so angry at God, even though I know He odes what He does because He loves me  and wants the best for me. I just can't help it. I have been begging for a baby for four years and in the meantime my dad has a kid, and possibly a second one and everyone I know gets pregnant, and they are all so happy about it, and I have to pretend to be happy for them, and I am in a way, but I'm also jealous and I can't stop it!

I want things to go right in my life for once. I want God to do things my way because I am a selfish creature!

Is it so much to ask though for one more child. A child from both of us. I understand that it is like Steve really were Timothy's father, but I want one more, Steve didn't get to be there for Timmy's first few years. He missed the first words and first steps and the dada mama fight. He deserves to have those memories to carry into old age. He deserves to have his name carried on. All Timmy wants in this world is a little brother or sister, which, again is not too much to ask. And I just want the chance to love and nuture and nurse a baby again. It was the best experience I've ever had. I want to repeat it. I want God to grant us a child. I do so much.

I try to be contnted with the wonderful son he gave me and not ask for more, but how can I not want to do it again after how wonderful a child I got the first time.

As for the rest of my life, it's a shambles. I am depressed, tired, worried, sad, angry, restless, frustrated, irritatted, annoyed, hurt. I just want to have a normal life. Id that so much to ask?

Someone tell me I'm not insane, please. I really need to hear it right now.