feeling really empty
there really seems to be nothing in my life that makes me happy. what i really care about right now is the way i look …
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Lately, people have seemed less like living beings, and more like things that are in my way. I've had this feeling that people aren't real for some reason, and that their words, thoughts, and feelings are meaningless. That their lives are meaningless, yesterday I told a friend of mine that I have thought about killing her, just because she was starting to mildly annoy me... that's it, nothing more than mild discomfort would (in my mind) give me the reason to end her life, but we just laughed about it. I laughed because she seemed OK with it, she laughed because she must have thought I was joking. But later, thankfully, I regretted saying that because I realized that I too am human, and I'm no different from the people (or objects they seem to be turning into) I would hurt for disturbing the fragile tranquility of the deserted planet that seems to only exist in my head. The same action someone might take out of rage at a pet for damaging some furniture or the carpet. But I digress, I still seem to remember that I'm human, and that I complain ALOT about how people are constantly bothering me. Most of the time I really don't feel like harming anyone, I hope that someday, people will pay me that same respect.
BUT, everything that keeps me together is falling apart. And once the pieces fall, they rot, disappear, cease to exist, die, whatever.... One of those pieces are my personnel ethics. That hope I just shared, that "treat others how you want to be treated" policy is apart of the rules I set for myself that I try to live by. And it REALLY bothers me, which seems good at the moment. If I violate that rule, what makes me any different from the assholes that scream "fag" at me their car windows, or the people that judge me unfairly for my appearance? I really don't want to be like them. They appear so vain, stupid, and damaging. If I feel like I've become one of them, it would make my life seem so much more pointless. Isn't meaning what drives us? That thought that when we die that our life was helpful in some way?
This is a rut I'm in, And doesn't look like I'll be getting out at any point in the future.
BUT, everything that keeps me together is falling apart. And once the pieces fall, they rot, disappear, cease to exist, die, whatever.... One of those pieces are my personnel ethics. That hope I just shared, that "treat others how you want to be treated" policy is apart of the rules I set for myself that I try to live by. And it REALLY bothers me, which seems good at the moment. If I violate that rule, what makes me any different from the assholes that scream "fag" at me their car windows, or the people that judge me unfairly for my appearance? I really don't want to be like them. They appear so vain, stupid, and damaging. If I feel like I've become one of them, it would make my life seem so much more pointless. Isn't meaning what drives us? That thought that when we die that our life was helpful in some way?
This is a rut I'm in, And doesn't look like I'll be getting out at any point in the future.
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As they always say...you have to take one day at a time and if you can't do that break it down and take it one hour at a time and live for that hour! Be happy for that Hour! Then go one for the next hour! Your day will go on and so will you.
bosco123