MyGirlFriday861's Journal

Well, I haven't been on DS for a while.  Sorry. 

I haven't been feeling so apt to writing about how miserable I have been feeling.  Also, I wasn't in a place where I can write anything, including this journal and my own name.  I also was touched by all the people who were reaching out to me and praying for me.  (Thanks!)

Now while I am not by any means, happy.  I am at least treading steadily towards recovery and mental wellness.  

As for the day program, it has become a lot more tolerable.  The exercises for the most part are still nothing short of mental atrophy, Perky is still vacant, and there are tons of worksheets, but the overall experience does not constitute torture as it used to.  I guess this would have something to do with me making friends at the program.  I still have no idea how it happened, but it did.  

It started yesterday.  I was in the waiting room because I came late to "Coping With Depression" (which is really bitching about depression) and Gamer (named for her love of games) came and talked to me.  I was at that time trying to read my file for a second time.  I wasn't looking for witnesses to my rule-breaking.  Gamer said that she does not believe that I am a bad or even destructive person.  To her, I am just angry and I have no where to put it.  Also she is not offended by anything I say.  After she said that, Guitar Guy came in.  He was his usual emo-vegan-hippie-granola-Christian-rock self.  Gamer wanted to hit drums during Music Injury.  I asked him if I destroyed a drum would I have to pay for it.  I should have kept my mouth shut.  Instead of giving me the yes or no answer that my question really required, he asked "Why would I want to destroy a drum?"   Him and his "why," GRRRRRR.  I answered that the only sound that adequately sounds as I "feel" is me stabbing a pen through the drum skin.  He made a face.  What was I supposed to say?  "I want to destroy things so I can bask in the power of my destruction and not think about the crush I am developing on you." 

(Dr. T asked me during our session what was wrong with just a crush.  I said "a crush is never a crush.  They do not call them that for nothing.  Also in either situation I get crushed.  If I don't do anything I will always wonder 'what if' and be paralysed by the fear/actualisation of rejection.  If I do and he crosses that line that is also not good because by their definition relationships require intimacy, especially dating.  I have trust issues that make intimacy a problem.  See the conundrum.) 

Human Ambien held up her end of the deal by letting me skip Music Injury.  In fact Human Ambien said that if I was willing to behave myself more in other groups then I can just skip Music Injury entirely.  I agreed.  It wasn't on paper.  Also I can just deal with the nagging thoughts of Guitar Guy and not have to interact with him.  Since this past Thursday, the program was a little under-staffed, I took the opportunity to read my file uninterrupted.  I was not entirely surprised by what was there.  The number of "hostile language" mentions was relatively high.  Also, my peer relations were "severely lacking."  The sad thing is that I was in a way proud of how fucked up I was.  Like there is written proof that human interaction was hard and almost ill-advised for someone of my current status.  It also got me thinking to what was going to happen when my time at the program was over.  I was inspired to write a list.

Things to do before I leave the program:

I looked over my list.  I am pretty sure that 1-5 may not actually get done.  (But I still will try really hard.)  7-9 I did actually that same day.  I showed my list to Human Ambien.  She was appalled at #4, and immediately said that #2 was NOT happening.  However she is relatively happy that I made the list.  She said that my pride in my fucked-upness is actually validation that I am not alright and to have someone who isn't me see that is almost worth my destructive behaviour.  To think, I just liked the list of the bad things I did actually on paper.  (It spanned three typed pages.  Score!)

After my talk with Human Ambien I was virtually starving.  I usually did not do lunch as the cafeteria was scary and so was eating out.  Unfortunately I had a craving for Chinese that just will not go away.  So while I was looking for a place to eat Gamer and Long Hair (named for her long hair) came out and asked me to do lunch with them.  Since I was already out and everything, I decided to come along.  We went to this Thai place because it had the name Brown Sugar in it which really intrigued Gamer.  (She was African-American.  Make your own damn wry observation about that!) 

While we were waiting for our food to come, all Gamer, Long Hair and I can talk about is the program and medications.  Gamer and Long Hair are on some kind of cocktail of antidepressants, sleep-aids, and mild narcotics.  It was the first time that I really felt that real people get what I was going through, if only a little bit.  (That is not to say that you guys on DS are not real, but its the in-person thing.)

After coming back I felt a bit lighter, not in a disconnected way like the world didn't affect me (the kind that I am always trying to achieve).  I felt connected to it in a way that I hadn't felt in a long time.  Assertiveness was pretty boring.  (That wasn't going to change.)

On Friday, it was Gamer's last day.  I went to lunch with Gamer, Long Hair, and Black 2.0 (wears lots of black like the old one, just not as annoying).  We all have the same complaints about the program.  During Guided Imagery, I just took a nap.  I covered myself in my hoodie and was listing to my iPod.  Gamer, Long Hair and Black 2.0 traded information and decided to keep in touch.  (I also traded with Pigtails so I can learn how to knit.  Her last day was on Thursday.)

At the Program while my decision to be part of the group with some people came just under the wire (Pigtails and Gamer) but not doing so would have made the next few weeks torture.  If anything else was gained from that it was now I have a few people that would be less offended by my comments in group.  Its a small start for human connection.  Dr. T and DBT Lady would be proud.