MyGirlFriday861's Journal

Number of scripts left in box: 5

Number of short stories in box: 0, I burned all the remnants last night

Number of self-inflected wounds: 2, one on my foot, the other my hand...my sleeve caught on fire and it nearly got burned...it stings.

Number of warnings from the program: 1

Good News: I no longer feel apathy towards the day program

Bad News: I have now progressed to full-on nihilism. 

Thursday was my third consecutive morning in which getting out of bed was an issue.  I woke up to a surprise though.  IT was coming to drop off spawn.  Spawn 3 had to go to the hospital.  I was not going to stick around for this.  That left me no choice but to go to the program.

When I got there, DBT Lady was out.  Perky ran Target.  I wanted nothing more than to slam my head against the wall.  I slumped in my chair instead.

DBT was run by Human Ambien.  Human Ambien had a worksheet too.  I now have the theory that most of the clinicians do not operate without worksheets.  The worksheets are treated like this all-knowing, all-giving energy source.  The dumber you are, the more need them. 

She talked about Reasonable Mind, Emotional Mind, and Wise Mind.  She was beginning to talk like Dr. T.  I participated.  I know I said stuff, but I really don't remember much of it.  Then Human Ambien was talking about Wise Mind and described hers as an old zen guy on a mountain.  Mine is a schizophrenic bag lady.  At some point I told the group that I judge them.  Harshly.  I judge them the way I judge most other people: with no mercy.  I judge myself too, worse and with an unparalleled rigidity and severity.  The room now hates me.  Mission Accomplished.

During the last few weeks of the program.  My goal was to annoy the whole lot of them.  Alienation was not enough for me.  I now have been making a strong effort to make people loathe me.  I want their hearts to melt when I enter a room, their blood to run cold when I open my mouth, and their souls shaken by the time I close it.  At one point today, I felt myself getting week then Emo Boy (a girl not really new, just is there and not there) said that she empathised with me.  That was beyond my comprehension.  That's when I announced my judgment piece to the room.  No one can, should, or is truly able to empathise with me.  No one knows or feels the way I truly feel when I feel it.  It doesn't bother them the way it does me.  They don't prize unwavering stoicism as a virtue beyond all other virtues.  Any emotion is a deviation from being stoic and therefore a sign of complete and utter weakness.  Not many people have the goal in life to be a moving statue.

Then I braced myself for the moment I was most dreading, Music Injury.  Guitar Guy came in like an Emo Polo ad.  He brought the drum again, as well as his guitar, egg shakers and some rain sticks.  New Person was supervising this session.  (I guess since Mangate, any male counselor has to be supervised to maintain the "safe haven" that is the group room.)  Guitar Guy came into the room, with the giggles that now accompany his entrance.  My stomach churns.  He starts to look for a place to sit down.  He likes to sit near outlets; not just for his Weapon of Mass Disturbance, but also I think he feels comfortable being near an electrical current.  (If only he would electrocute himself and make things easier on me.)  He looked around the room and then took a seat next me.  Only one chair separated us, not the half of the room that I am used to.  This cannot possibly be good.  I can see more of his face now and it still needs the shadows.  I then started looking at him, really looking.  Then it hit me like a speeding bus.  I know what's happening here.  This is the beginning of infatuation, commonly known as a "crush."  Then I found myself unable to control my breathing when that thought entered my head.  He looked at me and smiled.  My mind starts working really hard to send out telepathic SOS signals to the nearest person.  Nothing.  This isn't good.  Crushes do not help treatment, especially on Guitar Guys who love crappy music like a fat boy loves cake.  I chose a predominately female program to avoid this.  Do you know what happens with people who have crushes?  I'll give you a hint: They don't call it a crush for nothing.  It does not end well.  It NEVER ends well.  (Usually goes "you are great, just not for me, blah-blah.")  This is why fraternisation is discouraged.  When you are me this is especially true. 

We do a 20 minute long grounding exercise that does not help.  Then he takes out his Weapon of Mass Destruction and plays a song.  Everyone can give comments but me.  What was I going to say?  "Sorry I really wasn't listening to the song because I am trying really hard not to develop a crush on you."  I not have to find a way to have him hate me too.  Especially him.  No love, infatuation or relationships for me.  I should have said that his music tastes are nothing short of atrocious, his fingering on the guitar gets sloppy, and for a guy who likes music you sure know how to take the joy out of it for others.  I think that would have done the trick.  I just left the room.  

Perky wanted to "check-in" after I left.  I was really sarcastic but I managed to confuse the shit out of her.  It really never gets old.

The afternoon was pretty much was boring.  Human Ambien wanted to meet with me at the end of the day.  After waiting for nearly an hour Human Ambien was ready.  It wasn't just Human Ambien though.  New Person and Perky felt the need to sit in on this.  It was basically an ambush.  I should have seen it coming and left.  I didn't.  They were really "concerned" with my behaviour.  Particularly the triggering language, the shift from apathy to nihilism, and other things that I just tuned out for.  Perky punctuated her every statement with "Um" and "I guess."  There was an occasional "okay" for good measure.   The overall message was shape up or ship out.  Feel the burning compassion.  I felt copious amounts of self-loathing on the way home.  I knew when I left that I wasn't coming in Friday regardless of IT.  I should have said if you want me to not be so wayward, then stop asking me to perform tasks with assault me emotionally and intellectually.  I mean while the emotion killing I don't mind, but I would rather not have my brain atrophy in the process.  

I came home and called Dr. T and told her that I was about to get kicked out of the day program.  She really thinks I should give them a chance.  If I decide not to stay (or they decide not to have me), then she will start looking into other programs.  I terminated the conversation because IT was home and Dr. T was breathing really heavy (she was climbing up a steep hill).  I told her to call me back, I have yet to receive her call.  (Unlike me, she lives a life on the Weekends.)  The Stepwitch slept over, but did not tell us this until after my dad left for work.  IT didn't really announce it per se, instead of getting in the car and leaving (as planned), IT got a bowl of rice and made us watch local news.  (My father only watches the BBC, he abhors the local news in America.)  

The next morning, I was roped into doing Spawn 1's hair.  IT wanted me to blow dry the child's hair, then take it to the salon.  I knew that it would be pointless and painful for Spawn 1 because she has coarse hair (like me) and will cry while I blow dry it.  When Spawn 1 is at the salon they will wash it and dry it all over again making anything I do tantamount to torture.  I just offered to braid it then and there.  I felt used and probably was.  

When my dad got home, he asked us to pray The Way of the Cross with him.  I did but my sister had other ideas.  I asked if she was going to cause any trouble like she did last time.  My sister acted all offended by the fact that I would suggest that she would be disrespectful.  Then during the prayer she pissed off my dad by not participating and then left.  Spawn 1 joined us in her place.  (It was the Spawn's idea not mine or my father's.  She genuinely was interested.  Did I mention she was 8.)  IT just came after we were done and took the spawn.  IT will "visit" us again on Saturday.

That brings us to now.  I have been thinking about the day program.  Maybe I had the wrong idea.  I looked at the day program as a place that would flip some switches in my head, press some buttons, cure my depression and I would be blissfully normal.  Thus far the only one pushing buttons is me.  DBT Lady is a close second.  I am really not so sure what to do.  I do want to change, but I am not so sure this place is helping me.  I know it get worse before it gets better, but how much worse is it really going to have to get?  Thus far I have alienated the other members, managed a crush I do not want, and reached intellectual and psychological depths that I thought couldn't possibly be achieved.  I just don't know right now.  This could be another manifestation of my self-sabotaging besides burning my life's work and removing myself from school.  I think this is what rock bottom looks like.  All I can wonder now is if Monday will be my last day at the program.