Journal Entry for June 28, 2008
June 28, 2008 12:39pm
So I know it has been awhile, and I apologize...I am in the process of finding a place to live.
Justin and I are not …
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pmoore88’s Profile
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pmoore88
is feeling Horrible
About Me
I am a 23 year old female, who has had to fight to survive since the very begining. I have 4 other sisters, 1 brother, and have always felt like the "unwanted package." My biological alcoholic father left me at age 2, and since then I have had 2 other "fathers, " one of which sexually abused me, and the other who uses anger and violence to get his point across. The only pure joy I have in my life is my gift for writing for which I would have never found any source of freedom from my tattered life
Interests
I love to write, draw, and sing. I have written many poems, and am also currently working on a book. I also love white tigers, whales/dolphins, tinkerbell, and love to act/drama. Marilyn Monroe is one of my many role models, and I hope one day to get married and have children.
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Recent Activity
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Journal
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Update
May 22, 2008 4:00pm
Update....
* Justin finally got a job at Walmart in their garden department.
* Rent was able to get paid, and I had my first real meal in …
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A Bad Experience at Church
May 11, 2008 11:16am
I apologize...I know it has been awhile, but yes I am still alive and well. It has been a tough couple of weeks, and today …
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Taking Each Minute at a Time
April 21, 2008 10:15am
Well I am still here, I am sorry for the long wait, I have been busy, so it takes me longer than usual. I have been taking …
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Update
April 10, 2008 12:12pm
Well...the last few days have been rough, and I am still trying to figure out the real reason behind them freezing the money …
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Hugbook
Hug
Just wanted to say hugs for you and I hope you found a place to live and believe me I know your struggles but it will get better just follow the right path and you will see your life coming together as it is meant to be. Love Always Denise
Hug
Hey there, I'm assuming you have left the site for whatever reason Pam. I'm sorry if you did. If you do come back, please let me know, I wanna be friends!! Hugsssssss
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Hug
Weekend hugs, hope you can journal soon!!
Hug
how have you been?
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Hug
Enjoyed your pics!! Weekend hugs here to you and Justin!
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Photos
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Goals
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Support Groups
Close Self-Injury
I started self injury at the age of 21, while I was in college. While dealing with the stress of school, roomate troubles, relationship stress, financial problems, and various other problems, I shut myself into the bathroom and started cutting. Six months later, after a major downward spiral, a friend of mine called the cops after he believed I was going to commit suicide, and I was believed to be a threat to myself and put into Pine Rest. I have been struggling and with self injury sense.
Treatments
- Group Therapy Somewhat Helpful
- I experienced group therapy in Pine Rest, and honestly hated it. I like the more one on one approach, the effectiveness without looking like a group experiment.
- Psychotherapy Somewhat Helpful
- While in the Emergency room, they did try and make me talk with a social worker, however I was having none of it. Also in Pine Rest, I was assigned two doctors to watch over me. During this time, though I did discover some things, I left more like an animal than an actual human being. I was given a label and given no medication to help me recover. Honestly, my recovery came from the other patients, sharing our experiences. This is why I joined Daily Strength.
- Talking Working / Worked
- It seems to help when I talk with others who have went through the same experince. Those who are not cutters, seems to never truly understand.
Close Cerebral Palsy
I was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy at 1 year of age. Out of the three main types, I believe that I have the fourth one that is a mixture of all three types. My Cerebral Palsy affects my legs, limbs, motor skills, and I also have a learning disability. I also suffer from seizers, which can be so severe that I have to be taken to the Emergency room, as well as muscle cramps, and kidney stones. Surgeries have been countless, and I seem to be sick more days than not.
Treatments
- Heel Cord Lengthening Working / Worked
- I was too young to even remember the surgery itself, but I was able to teach myself how to walk.
Open Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
My obsessions revolve around cleaning mainly. I HATE having a dirty house, and when things are not done a certian way, a voice repeats continuously, until it "feels right."
Open Anger Management
ANGER is my middle name. I have been known to loose my temper on the smallest of situations, as well as throw items such as desks, chairs, and anything else I can get my hands on. I have hurt people during my rages, and have lost many friends in the process.
Open Anxiety
I worry about everything, most things other people would never worry about. For example, since we live in a second story apartment, what if it were to catch fire, how would I be able to get out. It seems to eat at my mind all the time, and I am continuously checking things daily, like my spelling, doors, windows, etc. I think it bleeds in with being obsessive compulsive as well.
Open Chronic Pain
I suffer from back pain and muscle cramps. It can get so bad that I can barely walk or even enjoy the day.
Treatments
- Heat Working / Worked
- To try and lessen the pain, I use heat and Tylenol 8 hour. It does not completely take it away, but the doctors seem to tell me nothing else.
- Physical Therapy Working / Worked
- I went through physical therapy till the age of 18.
Open Bereavement
Type: Loss of a RelativeThe most important person that I have lost was my grandpa. It was an unexpected death and I did not even get the chance to say goodbye. I seem to loose everyone close to me, and it has hardened me, and prevented me from getting close to anyone...even my own boyfriend.
Treatments
- Crying Somewhat Helpful
- I seem to cry daily, and though it helps to release the pain, it does not bring them back.
- Getting Angry Not Working
- I have always had an explosive anger, and it only gets worse when someone close to me dies.
- Helping Others Working / Worked
- I love to help others, seeing the joy in others, helps me deal with my problems.
- Keeping Busy Working / Worked
- I try to keep busy, but I find myself drifting back to my memories.
- Music Working / Worked
- I love music, it seems to be my life blood...along with singing writing, and drawing, this is what keeps me going.
- Pets Working / Worked
- I have my cat Happy, and though she may drive me nuts, I do love her; and I will be getting a dog very soon.
- Poetry Working / Worked
- I write poetry all the time, and when I do it seems to flow out of me. I even wrote a poem for my grandpa's funeral and read it.
- Remembering Somewhat Helpful
- This workd, but it still causes a lot of pain.
- Talking Working / Worked
- I love to talk with others who are going through a similar problem; it gives me a sense of connection and love.
- Time Not Working
- No amount of time will bring them back into my life.
Open Sexual Abuse
I was sexually abused by my step father at age 11; raped by a friend at age 15, and now my recent step father emotionally and physically has abused me as well.
Treatments
Open Physical & Emotional Abuse
I have been emotionally and physically abused by my parents, friends, family, boyfriends, and it seems to be a never-ending cycle.
Treatments
- Talking Working / Worked
- This does work, but many of my friends and family eventually leave.
Open Psoriasis
Affected Areas: Psoriasis of the SkinThough this disease can be passed through generations, I am however the only person in my family who suffers from it. I was diagnsed at age 15, and it came on all of a sudden. I hate buying different clothes, in fear that it will flake off my scalp and appear on my clothes. I was also told I have a type that is worse then others...great!
Open Eating Disorders
I feel like a cow, and though I do eat, I try to restrict how much I eat, for fear of gaining weight.
Open Healthy Relationships
My boyfriend Justin and I have been dating for nearly 2 years. It was a roller coaster ride at the begining and it just keeps going.
Treatments
- Patience Working / Worked
- Patience only goes so far.
- Talking Not Working
- Everytime I talk with him it goes right over his head, and he tuns out, or he gives a negative response and walks away.
- Writing Working / Worked
- There are many times where I have written poems, and journals about this relationship. I even wrote a 5 page journal on the start of our relationship and my feelings about it.
Open Depression
Type: Clinical (Major) DepressionI have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Dealing with my abuse, my mother, and various other stressors, sometimes it is hard to even get out of bed, let alone outside. I do not have many friends outside of D.S. and I am trying hard to better myself and my life.
Treatments
- Effexor Somewhat Helpful
- I was perscribed this after I was seeing horrible images on the other medication. I had to stop because I could not afford it anymore.
- Psychotherapy Considering
- I used counseling while I was in Pine Rest, however that was only for 3 days. I would love to go back.
- Support from Friends & Family Somewhat Helpful
- My friends and family are there, even though they may loose patience with me.
- Writing Considering
- I write all the time, even though it seems to work to get my feelings out. How else can I express what I am feeling?
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Snapshot
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