jopan264's Journal

It had been suggested to me in the past, by my fiancee, mother and familydoctor, to begin a journal in regards to my anxiety/panic disorder.  I guess it is about time I do so.

I have dealt with anxiety/panic attacks since I was a child.  My mother suffered with them in monstrous proportions.  I can remember the way she behaved when she was having them and how she could rarely be alone.  I also remember thinking she was "crazy" and being annoyed that I would have to stay home with her when my dad was away because she would get attacks.  I could never understand how she couldn't just get these "mental feelings" under control.  It was almost unnerving how she would panic even more if she couldnot find her Xanax.  I am proud to say that through therapy, she is no longer reliant on that medication and controls them herself.  She would always say "you will never know what it is like unless you have one".  I NEVER imagined how right she was!

When I was 18, i had my first anxiety attack.  I was calm about it, understood why I was having it and that it was just a feeling that would eventually go away.  I started to get them off and on from then on.  Someitmes only 3 times a year, other times once a month.  I was always proud that I could control them myself without the use of medication.  After spending so much time with a loved one with this disorder, I felt I knew what to do.  Until recently.

Anxiety has given way to full blown panic attacks.  I will insist I am dying and can't breath.   I will shake violently at times and demand an ambulance be called.  I will think my tongue and throat is swelling, get chest pains and feel numb/tingly.  I will constantly ask "do you think this is anxiety" or "do I complain of this when I have an attack: to look for reassurance.  I worry so much about getting an attack, that I give myself one. 

The funny thing is, I know quite a few of the underlying reasons for the attacks.  Stressfull job and being laid off.  Going out on my own once again.  A fiancee that almost died and is suffering from a brain injury that still effects him with minor defecits.  An upcoming wedding.  More bills and less money.  If I know all of the underlying reasons, why can I not get it under control?  Why do they get worse, sometimes lasting hours and being off and on all day?

I was on Prozac for depression, and after research, learned it can cause anxiety/panic attacks.  I spoke with my doctor and he has switched me to paxil.  I definitely notice a difference in the frequency of the attacks.  I have less, but the one's I have can be so debilitating.  Less attacks, but worse ones.  I was prescribed Xanax and told to take 1-2 when I feel the onset of an attack.  They help about 90% of the time.  That other 10% can be the killer.  Times like now where I have been taking them every 4 hours like candy and STILL can not get the attack to go away.  Times like now where I tell my fiancee if I go to sleep, I will not wake up...convinced that it is true.  This feeling of impending doom.

Maybe this journal will help.  Anthony, my fiancee, wants me to start writing down when I have an attack; what I felt before hand, during, after, etc.  I am going to utilize this website for just that. I am lucky to have a great support group.  My mom, who has been through it herself, my oldest son, my dad, sisters etc.  Most of all, though, is my fiancee.  He will hold me when I need the comfort, talk me down from it when I ask my repetative rassurance questions, argue with me when it is bad (you can't be angry and have a panic attack at the same time) or simply hand me the DS because he knows playing the games will occupy my mind.  Anthony will even promise to watch me through the night when I am afraid i will die.  He also does research to come up with alternative ways to fight this...together.

My best advice to someone who suffers with this as I do, is to find a support system.  It is the  best way to get over an attack when you don't have to go it alone.  I have a great one in my life and am hoping this forum will be one as well.  It helps to know I am not going through this alone and am not crazy.  There are other people who get these attacks and perhaps they will be able to offer alternative treatments and advice.  Hopefully I can help give that as well.

I am not alone, neither are you.  We are in this together.

On a final note for this evening, I am feeling slightly better after writing this.  My mind has been occupied doing so, and that can sometimes be the best medicine.  Take yourself away from the attack and into something else.