Dan2087's Journal

I didnt think I was going to write another entry but I do feel a little better recently. It has taken over 2 months but my mood is slowly improving. I doubt it will get to the point where im happy but at least I dont dread getting up in the morning and dont have non stop negative thoughts racing through my head.

Over the past month ive done a lot of thinking and the past week in particular have done a lot of reflection on where I am with trying to improve my problem. I honestly dont know what my problem is - I dont want to see a psychiatrist because of fear and shame that I have towards my situation. Im not sure if its depression, anxiety, autism or what. I have symptoms from so many disorders like OCD, Autism, Depression, Anxiety, BiPolar, the list goes on but I dont think I can diagnose myself with a disorder in particular. I dont even think it matters - Im aware of my problems, I know what I need to work on - theres no point in trying to label my problem with some clinical term - it doesnt change anything.

Anyways - I feel like im very very close to finally getting rid of my problem. Its just a matter now of rebuilding what I had when I was much younger as far as relations with people and my social skills. After about the age of 10 my social skills slowly began diminishing, I slowly began losing my friends, I became more and more introverted and for the next 9 years it just got worse and worse to the point where I couldnt talk to anyone. It was so bad that I needed my parents to go out for me and get me a job because I was too scared to go looking for one myself.

Then 2 years ago I managed to go out and get a job myself and this is the single and only reason im recovering from my problem. Had I not gotten this job where im forced to talk to people, talk to coworkers, answer the phone and just get out of the house, my life would be a complete mess right now. Here I am 2 years later and im not afraid to talk to people, not afraid to phone others or answer the phone, not afraid to get out of the house and be with people, and overall I just dont bring other peoples morale down because of my depression the way I used to. I dont think anyone knows im depressed, Ive been able to hide it very well.

Im at the point now where I need to start working on maintaining and developing relationships with others. I have overcome my fear of people, I am no longer happy being alone - but I dont know where to start. Between ages 10-19 I had done nothing but push people away so that I could be alone. I was always happy being alone away from everybody - I could go weeks sitting at home not leaving the house and I was happy this way. A few years ago now, this girl I worked with asked me out twice - I liked her but at the same time I was happier alone. I remember deliberately trying to bore her on our last date so that she could leave me alone. She saw this and told me to call her again when I was avaliable. I said I would but of course I never did. A year or two before this my long time friend found my number and phoned me asking me to hang out with him so we could catch up. I made up excuses and always told him I was too busy - of course I never was. He finally stopped calling and this made me happy. These are just a few of the things I did to push people away from me during those 9 years. I could write all day reliving some of the ways I just pushed people away from me. I look back at the way I treated people like garbage and hate myself for it - I regret doing what I did to others and have to take my current situation as punishment for it. I put myself in this situation and need to somehow get out of it but im not too sure how. Ive lived most of my life wanting to avoid people and wanting to break all of my relationships with people to be alone and now I need to somehow learn how to develop friendships with people and show other I was to be with them.

 I think I need to take a class or something on social skills and how to behave and react to certain social situations. Its really frustrating. Like when Im having a conversation with someone I often dont know what to say. I also cant explain things very well at all so telling stories to people is really hard - when I try sometimes I can just tell the other person is lost and has no idea what im trying to say. Or when I know a girl likes me, I feel the need to stay away from her. Sometimes ill see a girl looking at me and even smiling at me when I look their way but I cannot maintain eye contact with people and when I like someone, I feel like I need to stay as far away from them as possible and ignore them. I can easily tell when a girl likes me - I have a pretty good ability at reading other people whom I dont know well. The more I get to know someone though, the more difficult reading them gets. I remember just last week at work this really attractive girl came in and I was helping her and knew she liked me - my coworkers and manager even had smiles on their faces afterwards telling me she liked me but the next time that girl came in I felt the need to avoid her - not make eye contact with her, not go near her or anything. I cant explain why im like that. Is it that im ashamed of myself? Or have I just taught myself over the years that I need to avoid those people that like me? Even this past semester at school this summer, this girl in my class would sit near me and always look at me through the corner of her eye. I was attracted to her too and I knew she was shy but for some reason I would always pretend to ignore her pressence. Last day of classes (2 days ago) she followed me outside during the break and walked by me smiling at me but like I always do I had a look of disinterest on my face and just looked away as I walked by. No wonder I havent had a serious girlfriend in my life....my social skills are just awful - a 4 year old has better social skills than me...

Anyways I had better stop writting - my journals always seem to be so unorganized but thats how my thoughts are - all over the place. Ive lived a very lonely life since age 10 and im trying desperately to reverse things but I really dont know how. 10 years of life experiences that I dont have so im at a major disadvantage. I have to somehow teach myself how to behave and portray my feelings. Its going to be hard but Ive come a long way since two years ago, no point in stopping now..

just been doing some thinking lately...most likely the last time ill write a journal entry, there is no need for me to continue anymore...

I dont think anxiety is my problem. I dont get panic attacks, I just get uncomfortable in social situations. Thats not social anxiety. I think I have a mild form of autism - something ive got to live with for my whole life. No cure for it, nothing I can do to fix it

I started thinking about this last week. I went on a fishing trip with my dad, uncles and cousins. As usual I was on the outside, feeling like I didnt belong there. Then I had a chance to drive somewhere with one of my uncles and we had a chance to talk seriously 1 on 1. We talked mostly about family and then we started talking about one of my cousins. This particular cousin ive always felt has been full of herself. Shes never really wanting to talk to you, shes always off on her own in her corner, and seems disinterested in people most of the time. I felt this way about her until I spoke with my uncle. He told me that he and his wife are pretty sure she has a mild form of autism. And this makes perfect sense, it explains her behaviour perfectly. My uncle told me that this trait has been in the family for 4 or 5 generations and that even my dad has it. My dad has always been very shy and has always had problems talking with people and meeting others. My uncle told me of things my dad would do when he was a kid in his sleep etc and that my grandfathers brother also had a form of autism..

Combine this with the fact that my first brother is severely autistic and my other brother has the same problems as my cousin; ive pretty much concluded that this is my problem...ive been trying to fix a problem I dont have.  Well I guess I do have anxiety to a degree but thats just one of the symptoms. Unfortunately there is no cure for this, its a genetic thing and theres nothing I can do - no point in trying anymore and lying to myself saying things will get better. They wont.

I have to accept the fact now that this is what my life is and its not changing. Theres no medication to help me, nothing a councellor can say to me, theres nothing. Ill most likely be alone for the rest of my life because of this. I suppose its not a bad thing though - If I were to have a family and have kids id be spreading this terrible trait to another generation of people. Its something not worth living with. My brother cant do ANYTHING because he is autistic. He wakes up in the morning, goes in the basement all day to watch movies in the dark alone, and goes to sleep. He is heavily on medication because of his aggressive behaviour and seizures. Thats not life, but thats what he thinks it is. He doesnt want to be with people, he doesnt want to do anything else, thats all he will be doing for the rest of his life until he is put in a special home of somesort. I dont want to bring a kid into this world living a life like that. I dont want to live with someone having them deal with a person who has any form of autism.

Im pretty much scrapping all of my goals at this point, and ill just be focusing on getting a job so that I can provide for myself or something.

Also went for a walk in the grocery store today to observe other people. I must be missing something - I see these young couples shopping together and watching them, in almost all of them the guy just seems to be completely uninterested; like he just doesnt want to be there. Now I know grocery shopping isnt the most exciting this in the world but id give up everything I have to be in a position where im with someone who wants to spend time with me and talk to me...Im a better person than these guys, i have more to offer, I have a greater appreciation for everything than these guys yet im the one with absolutely nothing and am treated like an outsider and ignored all the time. Id give up everything to be on these people's position, and seeing them just builds up so much anger inside of me. Its like I dont really even belong here at all - like there was some kind of mistake or something and I should not have been born...im just tired of it happening all the time. I try so so so hard to fit in and its never anywhere close to good enough - im always on the outside. And whenever someone gives me a chance, when I find someone who is willing to see me again and give me that chance to show how much I appreciate them and that im not a bad person; which is VERY rare, reality sets in and its ALWAYS taken away from me

anyways ill end it here - thanks to the few here that supported me over the past few months, it was nice to have some people there for me when I needed it. But theres no helping me now - this is what my life is and no medication or support is going to change it. But you guys can still change, just keep fighting and praying and you will all perservere. And dont take the things you do have for granted...believe me, you all have things in your life that some people would give up everything to have - good luck and god bless you

-Dan

havent written in a long time...ive been feeling terrible for about a month now and really not sure what to do anymore. I dont want to take medication anymore. Its hard to explain but its making me almost emotionless - I dont feel happy, I dont feel sad, I just feel dead - I dont care about anything. My pet died, I didnt care - my uncle died, I didnt care. But when I stop taking the meds I become extremely light headed and very very depressed and angry. When I stop like ive done the past week now, I just have this anger built up inside me. If I see two people just talk to each other I just get angry - I get bad thoughts about people just wishing they were as depressed as me. When I see that people are miserable it makes me feel better. I feel like im such a bad person for this - on the outside I seem like a normal guy who is really nice and willing to help people. But on the inside I have this anger and I wish everyone else was miserable. I wish I could just be like everyone else and not be like this - I dont want others to be miserable to make me happy. Which is why ive been away from DS for a bit. I log on everyday if I can but I havent been sending hugs or anything because I dont mean it...I feel like an awful person right now, I hate myself for having these feelings. I thank the few that have sent me hugs this past month...I truly appreciate it, its all I have...people on here are all I have for support and cant thank you enough for it regardless of how messed up I am right now

I took 7 pills of my medication after work today and I feel even worse now. Its more than double my prescribed dose...today was just awful though....I was EXTREMELY light headed, almost felt like fainting. I couldnt talk properly and seeing others talk to each other made me depressed for some reason...at the end of the day at work one of the guys I work with was talking with a customer for about 20 minutes and I just sat there at the back starring at them...anger just kept building and building and just watching them gave me feelings of isolation. Then couples would come into the store to order things and just talking to them made me even more angry. and once everyone left the store I just kept punching lockers, throwing boxes and pens.

I hate myself right now - I dont want to be like this anymore but there doesnt seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel....it just gets darker and darker....