JessicD's Journal

sigh... so i think i'm about ready to face myself again. a few months ago i was working SOOOOOO HARD on myself. i was meditating daily. I was writing in a journal daily. i was talking to my mom about issues i was having. i had weekly counseling sessions and i even joined a sexual assult support group. during this time i got streight As in school. i kept my house, room, and clothes in order. i was very organized and i worked out on a near daily basis. it was very productive. then everything became more of a compulsion, not trying to do better for myself, but trying to control everything around me. i had a routein, but i couldn't alter from it. i started to stress out when anything wasn't perfect. i realized i could control things around me, but i was loosing control of myself in the process. then my mind started blocking things out. i would know i needed to go to my counseling session or my support group and i would think about it all day.. even set an alarm 30 before i needed to leave, just incase i forgot, with it writen on my calendar. then i dont know what would happen. my mind could just distract me and completely block these things out. i stopped going because of it. then i stopped thinking about my issues so much. it was nice. i became more layed back again... then it went too far. i'm trying to get back on track again. i just dont really know how to begin. i'm always distracting myself now. when it's quiet and i'm alone, tears run down my face.. i dont know why. it seems overwhelming to face. am i the only one like this? is it always going to be so hard for me? even now, i'm not talking about any real issue.. i'm distracting myself from my homework, because i can't focus right now and my mind keeps wandering... that's when i get upset.. when my mind wanders. sometimes i just want to fall back into another bad relationship and forget about myself. just think about someone else all the time. that's easier. i know going through things like this make people stronger and doing my work will make me grow and bring healthier things into my life.... but sometimes i just wish i could be content being ignorant of all this. not want to grow. i see those people everywhere. they're just fine being in the outer world. for me it's like my inner world is a million times bigger than the outer one. i've been neglecting it and it just won't have it. it's not possible for me to just live in the outer world. i know it wont be as bad when i finally face myself, but i'm just so tired of crying. i feel like there's a pitcher of tears inside of me and no matter how much i cry it's always full. so what's the point? i feel like last year i wasn't ready to deal with a lot of the things i dealt with this year and this year i feel like i'm not ready to deal with the things that are facing me.... so do i just wait until i mature enough to deal with them... how will i mature if i dont face anything... what do i do since i can't face these things right now???? aww geeze... back to studying i guess