JessicD's Journal

i can't get into my head anymore. i don't know what i think or how i feel about anything. i feel so disconnected with myself. i feel like crying right now.. i dont know why i'm crying. i felt happy.. really happy a little while ago. i stoppeed going to counseling for 2 reasons. one was cause i felt okay. the other was because i knew i was doing things i shouldn't be doing, but it was fun for the moment adn i wasn't ready to stop. now that i've finallyh stopped i feel so broken. i was doing it again.. drinking beyond whaty's safe to do.. where i couldn't protect myself anymore. i told this guy to go.. i had to hold my bedroom door shut. i then blacked out.. i woke up later in my bed he was there and my shirt was off.i know it didn't go too far cause my pants were on. god i hate myself right now for letting this happen to me. all the old feelings are back. i can't even watch the comercials on tv telling teens not to drink cause it can lead to date rape.. i get so uncomfortable. i was at my friends tonight for a dinner thing with a few people. after dinner we were watching tv and a commercial like that came on. the one guy who knows what happened to me 2 thanksgivings ago obviously could tell i was uncomfortable.. cause he said that the commercial was fucked up (what happens in the commercial). nobody makes comments on a commercial. i feel so out of place. i feel like nobody understands me. i am SOOOOO mad at myself for drinking like that again. i mean i was getting over all my anxieties.. i wasn't having dreams everynight about being raped. i wasn't waking up 5 times throughout the night to make sure my door was locked. regarding the rape i was doing so much better. it's all back now though. i feel like i'm stuck in a horrible place. i hate being alone at night because i get soooo anxious and scared and just freak out. i'm back to sleeping on my couch. i can't hang out with people though, cause the only peop0le up late at night are people drinking... that's what got me where i am. the only person i feel like i can talk to is my friend justin... but i also feel like he likes me and i dont know how close to get to him, because i don't like him in that way at all and he's such a nice guy i don' twant to lead him on in any way. i'm also lonely. i know i need to go through this part of life.. being alone.. but from 16 until a few months ago i had someone.. i had my other half. i know i need to find that half in me, but it's so hard and so lonely. aside from knowing i need to work on me right now and a relationship isn't right at the moment i also feel like there's just nobody out there for me. after my last heartbreak i decided i'm not just going to let myself fall in love again. i'm going to wait until i find a guy that i'm crazy about in every way adn who's right for me. i'm realizing that when i really look at people i only see their flaws now. i dont know how to be accepting. i feel like such a negative person and i hate it. i never used to be like this. i feel like something's wrong with me. one of my friends gave me a book to read. it's the claiming of sleeping beauty. she said she picked it up in an airport looking for something to read. later she realized it was part one of an erotic trilogy. she said it was really funny adn gave it to me to read. it's about a prince waking her and taking her for his sex slave. at first i thought it was funny, but i then started to get pissed off.. i mean really pissed off. now i can't even pick it up and i only got a little ways into it. how can people think of things like that as errotic!?!?! i don't see how it's entertaining in the least and i can't stop thinking about how different i am from everybody else. i need to get back into counseling but i need a different person than i had before.. she didn't help as much as i needed. tomorrow i'll look into it. oh and i got a C on my physiology test..... no more being happy about getting an A for my first session class. i really need to pick it up. i think i got 100 on my quiz tody though, so that's good. anyhoo i'm tired of crying. i'll now distract myself with tv until i fall asleep on my couch.