BallerinaGurl's Journal

triggers the three major ones ... everytime i hear a foot step at the door i freeze up and tell myself if i dont fight he want hurt me and alcohol and aftershave i hate that smell mixed together and just people being in control of situations where i have to do what they say......you know my dad he tried to make me think that it was a natural thing a father and daughter should do but i wasnt thats stupid the first time i was to stunned to say no or even move so he didnt hurt me he was gentle when he first when into me i remember i felt this pain and all i could think was god my virginty its stupid i didnt care that he was my dad i just cared about that and you know after that i tried to say no like 2 or 3 times but he would hurt me so bad that i couldnt sit down or close my legs or even pee for like a week and i never told him no see i trained myself that if i pretended to like it if i told him how he felt good in me he made me do things to him things that im ashamed of gross things i thought he was my dad the only man who ever cared for me with unconditional love but it was a lie i know he probably loved me under neath it all in his on special way but i really cant forgive him for not having a conscious because he hurt me so many times and i couldnt tell ne one it was our little secret because if i did he would hurt my sister make her bleed and i couldnt let him hurt ever thats why i never told when he made suggestions about hurting her i did things to make him forget about her and i would never let him touch i made sure he came to me every night i prayed to god that he would stop and i was so naive to think that if my mom pleased him more that he would stop and made myself hate because i thought it was her fault but i realized it was his fault  thats why i told and bet when i was little all those presents he gave me and all that time we spent together he was just waiting on his little ballerina thats what he called me to grow up and develope breast and curves so he could hurt her but u know what i guess some part of me hates him and the other part wishes that i could still be with him so he could tell me he loved me

I wish i was a flower

to give u hope for spring

I wish i was the sun

to give u a hot smile

I wish I was bird

so u can hear me sing

I wish it could be heard

so I can say.....

......I wish I had alot of things

to brighten up your day