bloodyandtornkittie's Journal

well its been awile since i have been here. things are sort of ok but i get these weird numbish feelings and i remember shit i really dont want to remember

like my mother and my childhood or people that i used to trust.

and when i get these feelings, everything tunes out and all i crave is someone who never got the chance to hurt me..good thing he is dead right?

ok. i'm over him...but it REALLY REally HURTS AND I DONT KNOW WHY HE POPS UP SOMETIMES OUT OF NOWHERE.

i can understanf and finally now that there is no coming back its just that he never hurt me..like i said he never had the chancver but still...i wish i could erase everything and start brand new.

like no more flashbacks of mother.   two days ago my "friend" josh wanted to watch people under the stairs with rae and me and whoever else. i could noty sit through it the first time when i was with one of my old asshole bfs.  this time i thought i could but once again flashbacks came back and i had to leave the room.

lets see what else um...no more dreams, of anybody. which is good but what if i forget him forever?

i do want to forget but not like get rid ofg him...he is part of me since i was 17. just like i cant get rid of my mother and flashbacks from that.

umm this beer is still not kicking in...i hope my friend ben wont kill me. lol...i'll tell him i had one.  its hard to type with glue on nails...but oh well.

idk ..i am not ready for august yet.

august 29 would be the dsy i met him. i remember a lot of shit. it sucks...alot.

i'm listening to a lot of music we used to either listen together or that he dedicated or i did.

anyway this does not happen all the time or at all, but this is so random and i dont know why this is happening to me. he is gone, dead and i know this. but why me?