fignplum's Journal

 I want my kids to know the truth and learn right from wrong.   I want to break the cycle, both of my parents had cheated and then divorced.  I married a man that did it to me!  I worry my daughter will marry a man like her father and this will happen to her.  

The OW is a former friend of mine since high school. She had cheated on her first husband but claimed that she would never do that again and that she was not a Christian then. She hated how her dad had been a cheater and he even had dated another friend our age that we went to school with. She hates her step mother who broke up her parents. Her step mother has had several affairs on her father.  She was so ashamed!   When I talked to her one time recently I told her she was just like P. her stepmother. She said I will never be P.!   

She has 2 older girls that are 24 and 22. they both have had depression issues and one a bad case of eating disorders. She remarried to her current husband and she had 2 more kids 10 and 8.  

This all scares me to death, I want the best for my kids!  

For the sake of reference I am posting my radio session with Dr. Laura below.  

Me-

My husband just served me with divorce papers.  In January he told me had been having an affair with my good friend, and his good buddies wife for 2 years.  He loves her and wants to be with her.   I have kids 21, 17 and 12.  She has kids 23, 21, 10,  and 8. 

Dr. Laura

They are willing to hurt the children?  Why are they able to break up the families? How do they explain that?  

Me-

He said,  I am not happy I have not been happy for a long time, I am doing this for ME,   He is being selfish.  

My question is what to do I  tell the kids?  

Dr. Laura –

The TRUTH.  

They are breaking up two families, see I am not from the school where you stand by and do pretend with the kids.  it just confuses them that this is somehow all okay.  I think the most important story here is that this is not okay. 

If I were you I would sit down with your husband tonight and tell him if he and this woman are going to do this you are going to explain to the children in a non- hysterical and factual way the horrible things you are doing to destroy two families.  That you are not happy is not a sufficient reason to destroy two families and I am going to make that clear to them because when they grow up they need to know that this is wrong.  That is my advice… You don’t not have to take my advice.

Me- I will take your advice

End of call….

She continues…..

I think everybody should take this advice and inform their spouse that this is selfish behavior which is wrong.  Vows are made and there are responsibilities to the spouse and the children. Unless there was violence and or addiction or horrible things  going on that which is clearly destructive to the kids.  That not being happy is something you work to turn around and not something to destroy a family for. So if she and your husband were to hear that this is going to happen they will have second thoughts.

Do not think for a moment that you are doing something wrong, it is your moral obligation to teach your children right from wrong even when it demonstrates a parent has done something wrong, the parent cannot be white washed and get away with that.  That would be wrong and that doesn’t teach the children.  

I really hope a lot of people heard the last call and my comments I really think it is important. A lot of people want to whitewash what they are doing. 

I am having an affair, my way for me, I am leaving the family I am destroying the family for somebody else. Because I want to be happy the kids are going to be miserable they will cope.  I am have to be happy I only have one life and I have to do it my way.  For me kids should know that  A that is your attitude and B. that it is a wrong attitude. To tell the custodial parent  hey don’t make me look bad when I am going to destroy the family for my own selfish gain. Is absurd and  ads a level  that becomes evil because we are going to make wrong seem okay.  Not only are the kids are going to loose something in their intact family they are now going to loose any sense of right and wrong and  morality. Because they are going to be told as long as it makes you happy. 

 It makes me happy to do drugs at 12, it makes me happy to get on my knees and have oral sex with 6 guys because I will make me popular and that makes me happy. This is all the stuff our kids are doing.  I had a young caller call me and tell me she had a friend with privileges( which means you just do a guy  because she was bored)  It had no meaning!

  This is what we have done with our kids, when we as a society have decided that we need to whitewash wrong doing to make nobody feel bad.  Because if you make somebody feel bad you are bad.  That is why I get called mean. I am not mean I am not a mean  person I get called mean because I say the truth.  This is what you have done and it is wrong- that is mean to hold up a mirror.  Its mean to say what is right and wrong.  MEAN!  A lot of people shut down when they are called mean or this or that , judgmental, hateful.   Unfortunately,  many of you will shut your mouths the minute one of those are thrown our direction.  Tolerate the  slings and arrows  of nasty words because their intent is only to shut you down.   And we don’t help our children when we  don’t say the truth and support them in knowing what is right and wrong.