Ybbil's Journal

Another day, another failure.  I started off badly today.  I didn't go to the gym.  That's three days in a row.  I go almost every day so that it crazy for me.  I even skipped going to OA tonight.  Why would I decide to NOT go to a meeting that is designed to do nothing but help me.  I hate myself and the completely stupid part is that every thing in my life is going well.  I'm buying a house, finishing my last certification, I finally like my job, I'm good at it, I'm going to be an aunt, etc...   How can I be sad?  But I am.  I'm miserable and my family seems to think that since I am a healthy weight, that I must be better.  I can't go back into treatment because insurance won't pay for it if I'm not underweight and I'm not sure I could handle the shame anyway.  Being there with all those skinny people looking down on me and me wishing that I could go back to that, but I can't.  I know too much.  I just have to keep trying. 

I want to learn to water-ski.