5-20-2008
My "eating disorder voice" as they would say at the hospital is very loud today. It seems like all of …
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It has been 2 months since I journaled last.......I need to do it more! I was doing so well with recovery - eating 3 healthy meals a day, cutting back on my over exercising and I was feeling great. My headaches were gone, no more feeling dizzy and tired, but I hated the weight gain!
I dont know what posessed me to start smoking again after 13 years - I am so mad at myself, but it helped me relax after eating and not think about getting rid of my meal. I only have 3 or 4 a day, but need to quit because of the health risks. I have also been drinking every night to relax me. I dont know what is going on!
Last week I started the juice fast and went 7 days without any food, only liquids. Today I ate an apple with peanut butter, but am not ready to eat normal food again. I tell myself I can go one more day. Then that day comes and I go another. I only lost 5 pounds in the week and am thinking I would love to lose 5 more then I will stop. I know ED doesnt work that way, but I cant get out of it. I am so disappointed in myself because I was doing so well.
I justify the fast because it is in the bible, it is healthy to do to get rid of toxins, and some doctors recommend it. I need to get off it and get back on the road to recovery but I have no desire or hunger to even try and eat. The thought of putting food in my body right now repulses me and it is not because of weight gain, it just doesnt seem appealing after one week of not eating.
I need to share this with my therapist, but of course didnt tell her last night. Why is it that I hide my true feelings and always convince people I am okay instead of asking for help so I can get better??????
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probably the reason that you didn't tell your therapist and that you're hiding your true feelings is because ED is in control, momentarily. You took an awesome first step by journaling about it on this site. Do not look at it as a failure. Look at it as a learning tool, building block on your road to recovery. You know you can do it because you've done it before. Ask yourself what happened to make you want to hide your feelings suddenly? Remember, as we get better, our feelings will begin to want to come out of suppression after all those years. you are doing what you're suppossed to as far as acknowledging them. Also, remember it's not about weight. ED just wants you back 'cause he doesn't want you to be healthy and express your feelings. That will make you better. hope this helps a little. Hugs of care to you.
hja
Excuses excuses the bible didn't tell you to kill yourself. You do need to talk thru this with your therapist. You can't carry on like this. 5 pounds in a week sounds a lot to me. You are addicted to the weight loss you got to stop and get back on that healthy track of managing your weight.
KayBeth
I'm sorry to hear the ED voice is gaining momentum again....just don't allow it to take over as it has done to me. I've been smoking lately too; I think it's the whole oral gratification thing that gives me comfort, personally (instead of calorie laden food!) I honestly hope you can start taking in some solid nutrition...start a little at a time, and build up from there (lol, look who's talking;) I'm here if you need support...I'm in the same damn predicament myself!
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