CarysDaniel's Journal

Journal Entry for May 30, 2008 Mood

Friday, May 30, 2008 | A Painful story

I think I am going crazy! Not only because I am depressed since tomorrow’s is Daniel’s first birthday and there is nothing in this world I want more than for him to be here with me. On top of that we have taken 2 days off from work running around town trying to find our daughter a good day care and it’s so hard, we haven’t found the right one yet. On top of that, my husband told me yesterday that he really wants a boy and that if our next one is a girl then he would like to try again for the boy. How stressful is that? I would wind up with 4 c-sections and 3 kids that could possibly be all girls! I don’t even know how to take this. I will be turning 36 this year so, it’s like I don’t really want to be having babies at 40, but I would love to have a boy also! I really just hate this! I want my little Daniel! It was so hard to see the little one year old boys at the daycares we went to visit. Little one year olds were everywhere! It was so very hard to hold back my tears. I felt like I had my heart in my throat and I just wanted one of them to be my little angel. That was really tough! While taking a look at one of the daycare’s playgrounds, we noticed that there were one year olds playing there. Something really amazing that was happening at the same time was that we saw a big dragon fly which was flying very still right directly in front of us all the whole time that we there outside watching the one year olds play. It’s as if my little angel was also there letting me know that he was my little one year old baby and he was also playing there! Seeing this dragon fly made me feel a bit better!

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Comments

Sounds like you got alot of stress to deal with. Try to breath and relax the best you can. Hugs

LaylaF
Oh hon, all you can do is the best you can do. I can't say I know how I'll feel on Ethan's birthday until it gets here. Even if you cry all day, ya know what? It's simply because you love Daniel more than you could every say or show. I know, because I feel it too. I wish I could just give you the biggest hug. You are so strong sweetie! Daniel is so lucky to have you as his Mommy! He will be smiling down on you, and even though it may be hard for you, he knows in his heart that you two will be together again... so he will smile for you. :) He will light up the sky and all the little angels will rejoice for his special day. I believe it sweetie. I really do.

Ethan's Nana sent me a message today saying that she was out in the yard and saw a little dragonfly fly by, and right behind it flying in it's path was a little butterfly. She was so tickled that she immediately emailed me to tell me that she thought it was Daniel and Ethan. :)

I love you sweetie

Mommy2Ethan