scillysnowprincess's Journal

Well have moved apartments and have spent the last two days unpacking so at least it looks like a home.. Can't help thinking, "here I go again". Am trying to push the negative thoughts away.  Managed to find internet connection although my phone/ADSL hasnt been installed yet.  My boyfriend's sister lives downstairs and am using her wireless network while she is on holiday.  We have been looking after their Collie dog and I have really enjoyed having him around.  I think he is as depressed as me.

It is a mutual friend's birthday today and we have just had a BBQ (well, it's still going but I managed 4 hours of being socialble and have crept away).  It was nice, but everyone is drinking and I am not, feeling miserable about that.

my weekend in the UK was all right, no problems with my brother except I can't bring myself to talk to him.  All he talked about was his wedding to some girl he proposed to after 2 months.  I was there for my mum - after all, we were spreading the ashes of my Nan (mum's mum) and she is clearly hurting.  She has gone all "mumsy" though - there are pictures of us all on the walls, something I have never known her do.  Of course, the issue of my depression and spending time in a psychiatric unit was brushed over.  I just told them I was drugged up to the eyeballs so was OK.  But I can's cry.  The tears won't come.  And everything has hit me over the last two days.  I am in pain, but don't know what to do.  Don't want to cut myself thank goodness, but want to drink.  And I can't or I will let myself down.  Boyfriend being realy supportive but I am sick of being an emotional and depressive wreck.  I just want to be normal and happy, be a good girlfriend, be on good terms with my family.  But I just haven't got the energy.