pugetsoundsean's Journal

I've been utterly exhausted all day, my breathing has been difficult and my anxiety is through the roof. I'm still stuffed up, which isn't helping the breathing situation. I'm really struggling with life, and it's getting harder and harder every day. There is a pain deep inside of me that is slowly eating away at me bit by bit, it gets worst every day and frankly it's becoming unbearable. It's not the typical pain that mere pills can cure, it's roots are firmly planted within my soul and it's affecting my entire being. I can feel myself getting weaker, I just want it all to go away. I'm trying everything I can think of to help make things easier, but nothing seems to work, at least not really. The only way I can describe it is by using the analogy of a large beach that extends beyond sight, the medications and treatments haul only a little bit away at a time, mere spoonfuls in an oasis larger than life itself.

I am truly defective in every sense of the world, like some sort of birth effect. I can't help but shake the thought that my life was never meant to be, yet here I am. On the one hand, I am surrounded by people who love and care for me, and this makes things somehow better, yet there is still the inner pain pushing me back. I don't understand what is happening to my life, and it's getting harder and harder to distinguish what is real and what is not. I have these memories that are at best inaccurate, they haunt me at every turn. I can't remember things, and what I do remember I can not fully trust. It's like I'm lost, not at all aware of who I am or where I'm supposed to be. I've never been comfortable in my own skin, there is a veil of shame, guilt and anger that I just can't move past, even though there are no real reasons for these emotions to be there.

I'm trying the best I can, but each day is getting harder and harder, and I'm afraid that I will eventually reach a point of no return. I'm not there yet, but I'm close. I need help, but I don't think there is anything in this world that CAN help me. Perhaps I've lost the will or energy to look any further, I don't know. I just wish the pain would go away.