pugetsoundsean's Journal

Had a very difficult night, and the day didn't go much better. I was feeling extremely suicidal last night, I was sure that I was going to do it. I wrote out a note, laid out all the pills, and was all set to just end it all. Obviously I didn't, but it was as close as I've ever really gotten. Everything is just getting more and more difficult. I want the nightmares to stop and the pain to end. Even when I'm awake, I'm haunted by past traumas which play over and over again in my head.

I'm not really sure what stopped me from ending my life last night, but something inside me clicked and I woke up my friend, Mack. We talked for a little bit, than laid down together. I suppose that things seem worst right now because I've been off my medication for a number of days; still waiting for Medicare to get things straight so that I can get my refills. I really need my anti-depressant, and lung medication. Mack and I have worked out a crisis plan, and we are going to try to make some more calls over the weekend to see what can be done so that I can get back on my medications. From what we can tell, the whole screw up has something to do with Medicare and AARP having my name misspelled or something. I think one of them has my name with my middle intial, and the other without it. Whatever the cause, I hope it get's fixed soon.

The nightmares seemed so much more vivid last night, and there seemed to be more of them. I woke up screaming at least twice. I woke up a little past one this afternoon, but I've been struggling to wake up all day. It seems the intense fatigue has returned, and all I've been able to do today was sit around trying to keep my eyes open. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be better.