mwolf's Journal

I Need Solace...... Mood

Friday, May 16, 2008 | A Painful story

I need solace. Evidently it will not be found in my dreams. Last night was the worst in a while. I can handle it when monsters plague my sleep, murderers, even flashbacks of my dad chasing us to kick our ass. For some reason I cannot bear the dreams like the one I had last night.

I slept so soundly. Dammit. Why couldn't last night have been one of those nights where I could not find rest. My ex husband invaded . Worse than any killer stalking me. He came to my house with his new wife ( who I have never seen, dont even know if they are married yet) and their new baby. He was effusive with joy, showing off his new family. In my dream, I showed happiness for them, as I would probably do in real life, fool that I am. I am in some ways happy for him in real life. He really wanted children. But I digress. I held the baby, his but not mine. How ironic. I smiled. I laughed. I congratulated. When they left, I wept. Like a child. No, not like a child. Children usually do not know that depth of pain. That emptiness that they know will never be filled. It never will for me. I think this is a wound that may never heal. Every time I feel it is, the scab is brutally torn away, leaving it raw and bleeding once again.

I am okay with the knowledge of never being able to have children. Let me rephrase that. I am resigned to it. I know it to be true. However, some nights when the nightmares plague me.......I feel the blow of that knowledge as if it were fresh. Last night was one of those. I have done weeping. At least for now. Hopefully, I will move on rapidly. Damn my vivid dreams. Thank you for my listening to my rambling.

Love, Michele

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Comments

I'm sorry hun. Nightmares suck. Big hugs to you. Sigh.

Alphonsus
I'm so sorry, dear. Try to keep your mind as positive as you can. Be the strong person that I know you are. Also, you have many friends here that will be there to support you. Love, Chris

jccook
Oh sweetie, I wish I could hug you. By the way, I had a bad dream myself last night! Oh, and you are not rambling, never! I am so sorry about not having children...((((hugs and hugs))) Those were extra ones for when you go to sleep tonight.

lynn4
Nightmares are a pain, havent had one in awhile. I know how real they feel and how scary they can be. Hope they stop for you. ((hugs)) take care of yourself

IonaJ
My heart aches for you mwolf...The only thing I can think of saying at the moment is to tell yourself that it was just a nightmare, to write it down like you've done here in your journal & hopefully it'll ease your pain. **Gentle Hugs**

charisma
oh my friend this is hard to do but my therapist told me to write down the thoughts that i was haveing and then ask for the white light to surround with peace and serenity do this every night before you lay your head down on your pillow.it may sound crazy but it has worked for me. i love you mishka

carolina320