I have had a hard week. I have …
I have had a hard week. I have started dealing with the inner child and I have been an emotional wreck. One …
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I have been seeing a therapist for about eight months now because after a miscarriage my life just seemed to spiral downhill. My marriage was falling apart. I felt like my husband was always trying to fix things and telling me how I should feel and think. He also became really strict with living what he felt was Biblical. He was becoming critical about 'counseling' and against our church. The more he did this the harder I got towards him. If I hadn't had my therapist I don't know what I would do. I prayed for a long time about it and I felt God telling me that I needed to change my attitude and work on me and He would work on my husband. As I changed myself, I have begun to see a difference in him. Things have started to get better but part of me felt worse. Before I was angry with him and I could remain distant. That was sort of a safe place for me. I have had a hard time with emotional and sexual intimacy with him and emotionally in friendships. I haven't let people get very close to me out of fear I will get hurt. I feel vulnerable. The fear has been so great at times that I have panic attacks. As long as I feel in contol I am ok, but when I feel vulnerable I want people to keep their distance. It makes it kind of hard for people to pray for me at church because I can't handle being in a vulnerable state and people touching me. I have felt uncomfortable just being at church events, but I am working through that and it seems like I am getting better about letting people in. Some days are better than others. Since my husband and I aren't fighting, I fear being intimate with him to the point where I feel sick. I don't feel comfortable being close emotionally. I know that this stems from my past of being sexually abused by my father, 2 brothers and 2 men. I am not sure how to get past that, but I am doing regression work to try and figure that out. I found this site and thought that this would be good for me.
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I am glad to see you say that you are working on you and letting God work on him. God gave me this same insight with my husband and has shown me that when I stay out of His way, He really does touch my husband deeply and affect change. Does your husband know about your vulnerability and what has happened in the past?
I have had a similar sense of feeling guarded and vulnerable at the thought of being intimate too... and what I do might work for you, especially if you don't see your husband as the SOURCE of those feelings...
Before I go to bed with my husband, I pray deeply for God to heal any and all of our negative emotions and make a space for he and I to come together to manifest Gods love in our marriage. I ask Him to help me to express His love for my husband through me. Yesterday, of my own power, I felt no love for my husband (we've been very stressed with eachother the past few days). But I prayed this, and I shifted my focus from what I need from my husband to what my husband needs... and guess what... MY needs were actually met through it all. A.R. Bernard said in a sermon that I heard recently "Lust is in it for what it can take. Love is in it for what it can give." I had had a hang up that my husband was being lustful toward me by having sexual needs and wanting me to fulfill them as his wife. My hangups were the result of past abuse from other men who did lust after me only, and hurt me deeply. But when I focused on letting God love my husband and meet his very natural needs through me... suddenly, like a miracle, my distaste for his touch was not only GONE.... I was also able to enjoy the intimacy in a new way.... I didn't do anything special. I just got out of Gods way and trusted Him to work in our relationship... and it was truly supernatural.
Bless!
aikijedi
I didn't tell you this earlier. My husband does know about my past but not about that relationship I had years ago. I do have a hard time being vulnerable with him because he tries to fix things and change how I feel and think. That's when I put a wall up. I have told him that I don't need him to do that because only I with Gods help can fix this. He seems to be trying now.
InHisStrength
I sent the other message after looking at your profile
InHisStrength