wjztrimmer's Journal

Throwing Grenades Mood

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Just when I thought I had thrown away all of my weapons, I found one tucked away and used it. Sunday night J got under my skin. She was pulling this passive/aggressive stuff and I can't stand indirectness. She had done it a few times over the weekend and this had to stop. I admit I was a bit distant over the weekend, but I wasn't mean. I played with the kids, cleaned the house, worked for several hours on the yard, got stuff ready for a bbq with friends...I'm no slacker. Whatever the case, she paints this picture of me rejecting her all weekend (which was not the case) and I replied by saying, "you know, you're just never pleased. it's not enough that i engage the kids all weekend, that i work on the house, that we go to a concert friday night....what more must i do?" then said (and here's the grenade), "you weren't even pleased with having two men...when is enough, enough for you." There were some four letter words exchanged but no plates thrown but I stick to my point. J's core weakness is that she seeks validation from other people. She doesn't know who she is without other people. And I told her that I hope she talks about it in counseling because without that taken care of, I could see an affair very easily happening again. Oh, and we're better now. I'm working hard at disarming...

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Well, we had a Sunday drive home that came to that as well. I thought things were going great all weekend, and then on the drive home I sort of mentioned that maybe H should back off from the driver in front of him...big mistake. He pulled over and said you drive. He then went on to say a whole bunch of things that basically ended with, why don't you just run away with the f***ing neighbour. Really bad end to great weekend. But, we're doing good now. I told H that eventually we're going to have be able to argue without the affair coming into it. Not sure when that will be. Maybe we'll mutually decide when it is time.

ibex
Do you really think an affair could happen again? I think they are just so sensitive now and feeling guilty etc. that they watch us like hawks..my husband is always asking me...how I'm feeling...but then when I begin to throw my own stash of grenades at him..he retreats..because he really doesn't want to hear that the affair is still on my mind...

jrsygrl13
jrsygrl- my wife asks me 10 times a day how I'm feeling. What she's really asking is what I'm thinking, wondering where she stands with me, wondering if I've had enough. I told her that I hope it is enough for her that I have not left, I have not even slept in another bed since I found out, I have made monumental changes (for myself, not for her). I said that I hope that she can be grateful for being given another chance to have a relationship with me. I sometimes resent how hard I have to work but then realize that I'm not doing it to make her happy; I've tried that before and have failed every time. And I've realized that happiness is not something I want to pursue because I've found that the pursuit of happiness ends up hurting a lot of people. That people don't exist to propel me into happiness.

wjztrimmer
jbex-

it will take time for he and i both to not pull out the trump card. I told J the other night that I wished she would have left me for the OM because I thought they deserved each other. That wasn't kind but I think she knew it was coming from a deep place of hurt. Those little things like asking your husband to back off the driver in front of you are comments telling us, "you should be different" and when we hear it that way, it strikes a nerve. I long for the day when I can hear those things and not think they're loaded. I am sorry, though, that the weekend ended that rough.

wjztrimmer
My own two cents in response to jrsygrl's question:

In my case, yes, I think an affair can happen again. It's one of the reasons why we're dicvorcing. She doesn't recognize the character flaws within herself that led to the affair. She only sees the character flaws in me that made he miserable enough to seek out the comfort of another man. She thinks that absent my flaws, our marriage would have been fine. But unless and until she addresses her own issues, she's likely to do the very same thing in future relationships she has.

And I really don't think that any amount of remorse or retreat right now is an indication of whether they'll be likely to have an affair again in the future. Right now is right now. They know they did something wrong and don't like the moral pummelling they're getting. So they retreat and show remorse, because those are things that they know will end the pummelling. They're sorry they had the affair *now*. But what about when the pummelling stops?

Good to see you back, Wade. You've been missed around here.

FrankLawyer
Frank, it's good to be back. I still don't stomach the majority of discussions well, but I miss people like you and many others. And, I wonder the same thing. What if things get too comfortable again? I do know that Jenn is doing a lot of work on her issues and she has never blamed the affair on me...never once. This gives me hope. But, I did tell her today that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think I shouldn't plan on it not happening again. I told her that I sort of have a plan B and that it will probably be that way for as long as we're married. That's not to say that I have one foot in and one foot out, it's just that now, I'll assume it could happen again. Crappy way to think but very real.

wjztrimmer
W. I think that it is a good idea to have that plan B in as much as that you know you can make it on your own, that it will not defeat you. H has said that to me. He at first felt like he did not want to live without me, but now he feels somewhat stronger and tries to think about me leaving, so that, should it happen, he will be better at coping. That is not to say he is expecting it, but just a way of protecting himself from that terrible hurt again, which he should do.

ibex
Also, I know what you mean about him feeling vulnerable to me saying things that tell him 'you should be different' and we have talked about this. I am going to try and work on it, because I do tend to do this, just point out the way I think he should do things. Annoying as hell. Surprising that he still likes me.

ibex
ibex- i think that jenn says things to try to be helpful. the other day i was doing my laundry (something i told her i don't expect her to do) and she sees me upstairs carrying this pile of dirty clothes. she said, "when i do laundry, i take the whole basket down stairs. it's easier." i replied, "that may be true. but, i'm doing MY laundry and this is the way I do it." later in the day there was some issue about the way I was doing the dishes. she said something like, "it may be easier if you load it this way." i thought for a minute and realized that she was just trying to be helpful but it doesn't feel helpful. we had a long talk about it and I asked her if she would consider not sharing her opinion on things that are of no consequence...that I thought it would be better for our relationship if that was the case. and i realized that when i framed it in the picture of OUR relationship, she heard it. the other thing to consider is that before discovering the affair, I would sort of laugh at these little quirks that Jenn had. After the affair, I realized that love and intimacy covers up the quirks, when that's been dealt a blow, the quirks are more than quirks.

wjztrimmer
Hey wjztrimmer, Yes, I have thrown a lot of grenades in these 15 months that I have been healing... I am trying to get past that now...
I know that I truly love my husband and even tho, sometimes I feel that he hasn't told me the whole story about his affair, I never want to lose him...

I don't think that he will ever have another affair, because he has seen just how much it has hurt me, and by hurting me, he has hurt himself...
I have learned a lot more than I knew 15 months ago about him...

And as I said before, he is bending backwards trying to help me heal... He always calls me from work to tell me when he is going to be home and lets me know where he is at all times...

I think that he has recognize the character flaws within himself and truly wants to change!!

I wish you the very best with your life and may God bless you!!!

Aprilfool2007
I'm thinking you both might benefit from the ultimate pop-psychology book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." There is a lot of over-simplification and shameless self-promotion by the author, but I can see examples of how your gender based differences in communication and what makes you feel loved are coming out in these examples you've presented. Skim through it at the library if you can find a copy there.

pianogirl
pg-

it's on my bookshelf. i'll read it.

wjztrimmer