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There are many things I need to accept about j's affair in order to move forward. Today, it is hard for me to accept that in order for her to get what she wanted, she took me down in the process. She wanted unconditional love, so she did something that hurt me so profoundly in order to discover that I do love her unconditionally. She didn't feel validated so she looked for validation from another man and she felt validated. She didn't care that the end result would be that I wouldn't feel validated, that I would feel insecure that I would feel conditionally loved. What I'm saying is that I had these things and she stole them from me. Now I'm in the position that she was in a few years ago. Then there's this thing that's hard to articulate. I remember telling her about 8 months ago that she seemed more confident; that she was holding her head high and that it seemed that counseling and her hard work was paying off. Little did I know that it was due to the high from her relationship with the OM. She was feeling desired and thought it was pretty cool that she could satisfy another man and that he liked here and such. It had nothing to do with counseling or hard work; it had to do with her getting her needs met in really unhealthy ways. Now, I just feel like she's a different person now that she knows these things. And me, yeah, I'm a different person, too. Insecure, worried all the time, suspicious, wondering if I'll ever trust her again, sad, depressed. I wake up each morning with a deep sense of loss and profound sadness and it pisses me off when I see her smile. Because, I'm not smiling, not even on the inside.
Comments
I could have written this.
bh6187
Her soul took a journey of depression and self doubt, filled with insecurity and darkness. She wasn't born that way. People changed her spirit along the way through hurt and so forth. Whether or not you were one of those people is for you to decide. A lesson was learned from her experience. Marriage is a union. Two becoming one. Now, as you say, you are where she was. Are you saying that you weren't there before? You can chose to use this experience to grow. Perhaps you can benefit from this my developing a degree of empathy that you never had before. Have faith that you'll come out stronger. Right now, surrender to the hurt; it's a lesson your soul is meant to have. Endurance is the true measure of strength in regards to a marriage. She didn't do this to intentionally hurt you. I pray that you know that by now.
My humble opinion of course.
kellyaa812000
I completely understand this, yet she is feeling a loss, too. She's disappointed you in a profound way, and knows you'll never look at her quite the same. She may be smiling, but she's covering up, too. I really see so much growth and love from both of you that I hope you don't give up until time can fully heal these hurts.
pianogirl
hey again ditto to what everyone said. i feel the same as all of u. things will never be the same & i get pissed when i see him have fun or smiling also because i`m sad !!!!! it`s his fault & how can he smile !!!! oh well i guess we have to keep on trucking & see where we land .
wino