wjztrimmer's Journal

Ambivalence...long entry... Mood

Friday, June 6, 2008 | An Anxious story

J and I were all set to have some intimate time last night but it was taking longer than expected for the kids to go to sleep. She started reading and asked me what I thought about a paragraph in her book. That led to a conversation about how tired I am of hearing about how her past affected her choice to have an affair. I said, "it's really pretty simple, isn't it? you found someone you were attracted to, became his friend, the attraction increased and you slept with him. You made yourself available to someone else after committing to me when we got married, that you were no longer available to anyone else." I told her that she basically just lusted after someone else and slept with him, period!

Well, goodby sexual intimacy. This launched into a talk until 1:00 AM about how she feels that I'm ambivalent and I vacillate between being committed and not being sure about our relationship. I told her that trust is the foundation of any relationship and since she destroyed our foundation, I don't know what I'm standing on, which causes me to feel unsafe in our relationship. I likened it to someone getting in a serious car accident. They spend months in the hospital and finally are released. My guess is that the first time they get back in a car, their thought is about the accident. So, they may just go on a short trip, like a few miles. But, over time, they realize that you don't get in an accident every time you get in the car. So, over time, they get comfortable with it again, but, they will likely never drive the same. And, they probably avoid the scene of the accident for awhile because it's so painful. Whatever the case, she said she was in for the long haul and that regardless of how much I vacillate, she is not going back to the OM nor would she ever again have an affair. If her words only meant something to me...

She also said something that really got me pissed. She said, "even when I was having an affair, I stood by your side. I supported your decisions and you opening your own business. There were times I was good to you." This was in the context of me saying that our entire past seems tainted. I just sort of snickered and said, "how can you say you stood by my side. you had one foot by me and one foot by the OM. I hardly call that standing by someone."

Why is it that the past, all of it, is so tainted by her affair. I mean, I don't even like thinking about the first day we met or thinking about our wedding day or any of it. I think it is because you think you know someone and you know them so well that you promise to spend the rest of your life with them. Then, you realize after something like this, that you didn't really know them at all. That they ended up being a different person. So, when I look back at old photos, I don't even know who I'm looking at. My memories of the past are just painful. And, it saddens me that what she did affected not only my present and future, it affected my view of the past.

(I'm not done yet). The bottom line is that it happened. My wife made herself available to someone else and she went all the way with it. I don't know if I want to be with her long-term. Maybe I'll just do my time until the kids are older. I wonder if the only way to truly put this behind you is to really move on, move out, develop a relationship with someone else.

Hug wjztr...

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Comments

Careful, Wade. Your car accident analogy is a good one, but remember she felt the impact, too. Perhaps that paragraph was something she shouldn't have shared with you, but your response invalidated her thought process and made her defensive. You have acknowledged your faults, she has acknowledged hers, and you both still love each other. There have been lots of positive steps forward. Don't let this bump in the road put you off the path you two have been on. Stay the course- you've got a lot worth saving.

pianogirl
I can understnd your feeling angry like this.. try and make yourself busy.. this is another hurdle.. there will be lots.. Please remember you have come along way in a short time..
During these early months, you might sometimes hear things that you dont like, and that are hard to accept from her.. but later she will probably say something else, that is opposite and more logical.
Remember sometimes depression sometimes bring irrational/illocial thinking.. statements..
Pick your battles, and just walk away and shake your head.. and wish for a better tomorrow.
Hugs~

svdbylove
The past is the past try not to think about all of those negative thoughts. She is with you, she did not leave you and she was with you when you opened your business. Maybe not as completely as you would have liked granted but she did not run away with him. She says that she is in your marriage for the long term. If you want to make things work you can't have your foot out the door in terms of when the kids are gone. I know you are in pain and are angry right now. I wish I had my husband home willing to work on things. All you have now is your future and building a better relationship from this point on. Take advantage of the opportunities to grow, love and have a better marriage than before. BTW- It sounds like she wants to be heard about this one particular topic about her past if she keeps repeating it. Acknowledge her point by repeating in back to her... If you invalidate it she won't feel complete in communicating this to you.

fignplum
Hi Wade. This was an interesting entry. Can you tell me what it is about her past that she says led to the affair? Or is it too personal? I believe that there are things about our past that can affect the kinds of choices we make. Or at least, help determine the kinds of choices that seem viable to us at any given moment. Whatever mental health issues we have going on affects our choices, too. I know you dislike that kind of thinking, but think about exteme cases of mental illness. What percentage of paranoid schizophrenics are successful career people? What percentage are homeless, talking to themselves and smelling like urine? Why wouldn't less extreme forms of mental illness also affect our choices?
I think about my former OW. She was molested by her older brother starting at about 9 or 10 and for years afterward (I'm not sure how many). She's got PTSD; she had a lot of sexual partners before she got married; she suffers from depression; she's got borderline personality disorder (these kinds of people can present themselves as very normal at first, but they have a gaping pit of emotional neediness). It's no wonder to me why she and her husband ended up living in separate parts of the house and why she ended up having an affair. I know you don't like to excuse bad behavior on the addiction/mental illness of the moment, but on the flipside mental illness and addiction really exist. They're bound to affect what we do.
Having a long discussion with your wife is a positive. My wife and I have these frequently and unexpectedly. I think it must be part of the healing process.
When you describe your wife and the things she says to you, my instincts are to believe her. Of course it's none of my business, but I hope you don't leave the relationship. I get the sense that your wife is really trying...and succeeding at being better.

Infidel