DrummerDan's Journal

Ho Hum...... Mood

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Well, I have four weeks of smoke-free living today, 28 days! It's taken a LOT of work to get to this point and I'm very pleased and proud of myself. I've noticed, just recently, that I'm getting little glimpses of REALLY being a non-smoker. By that I mean that I'm having moments where I truly enjoy being a non-smoker, where the thought of smoking is not appealing, not tempting but is actually disgusting! Where I ask myself, 'why would I have ever chosen to smoke those things in the first place, it's nasty!'. This is such a different point of view for me that it surprises me when it happens. I'm not talking about convincing myself of this point of view through self-talk or positive affirmations. These are involuntary reflexive thoughts that come un-bidden to my mind in exactly the same moments that I've been typically getting cravings or at least thoughts of smoking in a positive way or as something I'm missing. And, instead, I get the thought of 'ewe, I'm so glad that I don't smoke anymore, I don't want that crap.' I hope I get more of those thoughts and fewer of the former thoughts as time goes by.

Another thing I'm noticing is that this quit is reaching a sort of Ho-Hum grind. It's not dramatic anymore, it's not as emotional or exciting. It's just the way things are now, every day. I know this is to be expected but gee.. I sort of miss those dramatic, white-knuckled days of the early weeks. There have been a few folks in the group who picked-up cigarettes again in the past week. It didn't hit me nearly as hard as the first time that it happened a couple of week ago. But, I found that part of me was jealous of them; not because they get to smoke but because they get to start over on their quits, they get that drama, attention and support all over again. Isn't that weird? Man, nicotine addiction has really screwed up my brain! LOL..

So, I guess this journal entry is about the day-to-day grind of just not smoking, of learning to live without the emotional crutch of nicotine. I guess it's about just doing the next right thing for its own sake and learning to be happy with that without needing any additional drama or pats on the back or kudos. I need to get better at giving myself that support and encouragement instead of always depending on others for it. I need to get better at recognizing, and enjoying, the benefits of not smoking in their own right rather than concentrating on what I'm giving up or being deprived of. I also need to get better at rewarding myself, at congratulating myself. This is something that is not coming naturally to me, probably the result of years of damaging my self-esteem through smoking and other non-esteem-able actions.

It's not really bad, there are moments when it's really good, but most of the time, it just IS. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

Hug Drumm...

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Comments

Damn Dan "Rice" over here with the writing skills! Geez! LOL! Well, let me tell you... The "bored with the quit stage" can be frustrating. Thats what I was going thru last week. The lack of recognition was much more of an issue than I thought it would be. I did miss the first few weeks. Thats sickening, but true. I am going to tell you though... I will never stop the praising you... Many of you. This addiction is far greater than any explanation of it. What we are doing here is INCREDIBLE!!! You are a huge part of my quit Dan! I cant tell you that enough. About a week or so ago, if it weren't for something I read in YOUR journal, I would have smoked! I know I would have! I want you to know that. And I want you to know that YOUR "voice" stopped me from smoking! And I want you to know that I will forever be in your debt sir! Keep up these entries. You are an amazing voice for all quitters. You NEED to know that.

Love And Much Respect,

Reyna ~ Day 36

redeye330
Hey Dan! I hope you will read or re-read my journal entry about the "Icky Threes" You absolutely "got it". This is about retraining our brains to think and live as non-smokers. The Icky 3's journal entry is the Sept 18th entry so that will save you search time. Okay...honestly I KNOW you will make it as a nonsmoker but NEVER take your quit for granted. Our nicodemons lurk and wait for a weak moment to tell us "just one" but there is NEVER just one...they travel in packs.

LankyYankee
Hey, I can relate. Funny I sent you the high five before reading this! Anyway, it does become something of a grind, BUT, YOU need to make it the journey that it is. I have had a lot of luck finding challenges for myself, as in, now I'm going to try THIS smoke free. (most recently shopping, which I generally HATE) I reward myself on days that have been particularly stressful, and days that are blah. It's up to me to make my life as an ex-smoker as fulfilling as I THOUGHT it was as a smoker, and I have found THIS life MUCH more life affirming. Hang in there, DD. You have the stuff to make it. I can tell you've turned a major corner in your quit, and I am ALWAYS cheering you on!

carried
Dan -
thank you for your good thoughts at reminding me of the nicdemon using my stress & emotions to trick me into smoking - making me feel so low that a smoke might be ok - well it is not! maybe the nicdemon is playing on your hohum feelings....
One foot in front of the other - walking / running away from the addiction - I like that and will be running with ya -
thanks for being a good person on here!!!

Sadie10
Well said Drummer!!! Well said.

SteelerNation
I just read your journal, I have asthma and decided to stop with this nasty habit, I think maybe you can help me just by reading your journals, I agree it is nasty and why was I was smoking, my husband thinks I am just killing myself, well he is probaly right. Mindy

mindypanebianco
Insightful and articulate as always, Dan. Lanky's right, though, there are still challenges ahead. I think life is just a serious of ebbs and flows- you're just in an ebb stage, a resting period. Enjoy it for what it is and GIVE YOURSELF A HUGE HUG FOR ME!! 28 days is INCREDIBLE and there's lots of excitement in that!! I WISH I was where you are. I am so not looking forward to the 1st three days of my next quit (set my day for the 24th- Joe will be at his dad's so he'll be "safe" during hell week). You are such an awesome person. I'm proud to know you!!

Leigh1008
Sounds like you've nicked it man. I so don't miss the stench. Good job! You're on the 'other' side now :)

SkyYYZ