twiddle my fingers while I aimlessly stare into space
July 30, 2008 8:56pm
So.........
Lately I havent really been "myself". I just feel like I'm floating along in life in general. Literally I lose hunks …
Progress
5 %
MidnightRendezvous’s Profile
-
MidnightRendezvous
is feeling OK
“I'm afraid that if you look at a thing long enough, it loses all of its meaning.” Andy Warhol
Recently: 1 hug received more …
About Me
******I am very selective of whom I add for friends due to having a few "not right" people creeping in in the past. Unless I know you from the main board I go to, or you are close with any of my existing friends....it may take awhile til I'm comfortable adding you*********** My name is Jessica. I am a dancer (though health has made me go on hiatus...=/).I'm a pilates addict though, once again...health...(as is the story of my life...)I'm 5'10 and feel like a giant @ times....lol. I have "complexities" about me that I am working on. Anxiety is an everyday burden, aswell are other things, but I am working very hard to keep myself on the right path....as is what has led me here. My heart is in Manhattan and always will be.
Interests
Organics, dance, music, fairtrade, charitable organizations, art, contortion (tissus/silks), vegetarian FOREVER, horses, ect ect.... I'm a very eclectic person so basically everything interests me....
-
Recent Activity
- Sorry, there is no activity in the My Activity feed.
-
Journal
This entry is private
-
-
seriously, wtf!?
July 25, 2008 9:18pm
I feel like fucking SCREAMING! For 20 years straight. I'm so annoyed and frustrated to high hell. I mean, seriously?
This entry is private
-
hmmmm
July 19, 2008 11:34am
"The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes. If you foolishly ignore beauty, you will soon find yourself without it. Your life will be …
-
Hugbook
I’m With You
love you, talk soon, hope all is good and that you are happy. XxxxxX
-
Hug
love and hugs hope that you have a great weekend, here if you need or want me, kids all say hi and send their love. XxxxxX
-
Flower
sunday love and hugs hOpe all is ok. XxxxxX
Hug
I hope you're doing ok honey xx
-
I’m With You
passing hug and a whole lot of love on this dreary thursday morning, hope all well with you and Adam. lol XxxxxX
-
Photos
-
-
Support Groups
Close Eating Disorders
Type: AnorexiaI have had an eating disorder for as long as I can remember....(disordered eating even as a little child). First hospitalization for this specific reason at the age of 11... I am still struggling, but I'm pushing. I have to because my body can no longer take the abuse. Its just so hard and saddening that this is my "normal"/first reaction and way of being.....takes so much effort to be healthy and not feel guilty about taking care of myself...yuck! Involved with treatment at the moment.
Treatments
- Dietitian Consult Somewhat Helpful
- felt and still feel like a huge hypocrit and that I'm wasting her time....... didnt really do much in the past except make me feel more guilty bc I just couldnt/wouldnt do what they were trying to help me with. The one I have now is helping though...
- Group Therapy Not Working
- When I was involved in group work here, I happened to be around people (mainly "youngin's"..)that "idolized" the problem..... DID NOT HELP (though when in IP it slightly did) I just dont like talking about myself...
- Outpatient Treatment Program Working / Worked
- I have finally found the correct psychiatrist(Psychotherapy)/team ....it took a long while, and I have to kick my ass everyday to still go, but I'm doing it.
- Paxil Somewhat Helpful
- hated it and did not take for too long..weight gain huge deterrant
- Prozac Somewhat Helpful
- Didnt really correctly take it daily as was supposed to...
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- Thank goodness for my psych I have now!
- Renfrew Center Working / Worked
- Op in Ny..... it worked as much as it was going to at that time
- Seroquel Not Working
- Screw seroquel! Even on a LOW LOW dosage it made my anxiety worse, gave me whacked out dreams, and made me feel like the hulk (violent) during my anxiety bouts. No thanks!
- Support from Friends & Family Working / Worked
- I HATE asking for help and always feel guilty so its very hard for me to accept that people are there for me...but I do have select friends and people around me that are totally there for me. I have the most wonderful boyfriend in my life too
- Topamax Somewhat Helpful
- knocked me out but I HAD to stop taking it....
- Zyprexa Somewhat Helpful
- Quieted my head and I loved that BUT the sudden and huge weight gain though SEVERELY needed at that time and was probably one of the main reasons it was given to me messed with my head BIG time and sent me into relapse again
Close Anxiety
Anxiety sucks.. Have had moments of being completely agoraphobic (thankfully not at the moment) Panic attacks are not as frequent as they were/have been, but still happen weekly. Severely anxious on a daily basis. Overthink EVERYTHING.
Treatments
- Breathwork Somewhat Helpful
- Only helps when I feel a slight one coming...sometimes though it doesnt..50/50 chance
- Klonopin Considering
- still discussing this... it may help with other issues I have too..
- Meditation Not Working
- I get mad because it does not work for me. My head goes 1000mph and I cant hush it up
- Positive Thinking Not Working
- Too hard to do in the moment... though I am TRYING
- Trazodone Somewhat Helpful
- zombie
- Valium Somewhat Helpful
- Helps, but once again... addictive..
- Xanax Somewhat Helpful
- Worked but....I have an addictive personality and would abuse it and take waay too many...so no more for me..
Open Depression
I have my ups and downs with how bad it is... but I've come to realize I am severely depressed right now...=/
Treatments
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Working / Worked
- Prozac Somewhat Helpful
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- Trazodone Somewhat Helpful
- Wellbutrin Somewhat Helpful
- double edged sword......
Open Physical & Emotional Abuse
Serious emotional abuse throughout my life/physical from past reletionships
Treatments
- Leave Working / Worked
- finally got away from him
- Music Working / Worked
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- Talking Somewhat Helpful
- sometimes it can become overwhelming though
Open Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Bad Accident
Treatments
- Art Working / Worked
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Working / Worked
- Guided Imagery Too Soon to Tell
- Music Working / Worked
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
Open Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
I have odd quirks. Totally weird about things being even on me(and in general)....specially clothing and will focus NON STOP at if they are even length, width, ect ect..pulling and tugging to make it "even"..it is constant though i am working on catching and stopping myself. I am weird with checking door locks...this only gets bad when I'm more stressed...once again...trying to catch myself and talk myslef out of CONSTANTLY checking...soo odd...
Treatments
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Working / Worked
- Seroquel Too Soon to Tell
Open Family Issues
what isnt messed up? On the outside, a VERY successful family.business oriented dad getting divorce with mother whom he was with since highschool bc she had an affair, with a woman(who she is still with).this dragged on for over 7 years & was a big elephant noone addressed til I had ENOUGH.Its fact that they prefer my younger sister, yet I am the "trophy" child that they criticize behind closed doors when not showing me off for my success(hence my overperfectionism)could go on but have no room
Treatments
- Family Therapy Not Working
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- for me and me only
- Talking Not Working
- never ever gets anywhere
Open Chronic Pain
My organs are on strike...plain and simple. GI system is a constant. And my upper neck/back is always a constant too. boo.... Basically in general....I'm a walking pin cushion
-
Groups
-
Snapshot
Recently …
