angelofthedarknite's Journal

I don't know what I'm feeling, bit of everything, I spoke to my lecturer a few days ago about handing in my assignment which was already a week late, and told her theres a lot of stuff about my self harming in there, which I was comfortable about adding in, just had to warn her. Theres so much in my next assignment I have to do and it's stressing me out coz I have to do a 5 minute presentation on a health organisation of our choice and I DON'T KNOW HOW THE FUCK TO DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been struggling alot with my mood and it's scaring me so much, I have been fighting so much with my urges to not take all my meds at once, and not to cut but honestly, I don't know how much more fighting strength I have in me to carry on. I don't want to let myself down or my friends but it's so hard. I have been soooooooooo close to cutting but something has made me not cut, like something has clicked in my head to keep fighting. I'm determined to quit cutting and get back into the work force. It has never been so hard to quit cutting like it has this time around in group today, one of the staff members replied maybe it's becuase u have never been so determined to quit. Which made me think yeah she's right, The other times I've "quit" have been easy becuase I havent been determined and just stopped, whereas this time it's a completely different story.

We had art therapy at group today, and the theme was "Past, Present and Future"and for my past I did a black background with the number 16 to the left of it and wrote "Mental illness, self harm" in red then left a space and did a blue background with the number 25 to the left on it and wrote "fighting mental illness and self harm" in yellow and left another white space and painted a pink background and put the number 34 to the left of it, and wrote, "recovered, family, happiness, kids, and soulmate" in dark blue and we had to explain to the group what our painting meant, and what mine meant was 16 was when I developed depression and started cutting; thats the past. At 25 I'm fighting my urges to cut ; that was present. And 34 is where I want to be in 9 years time. I got angry as I was explaining my painting and got all anxious and picked it up and threw it in the bin. As soon as I did that I regretted it, I don't know why. URGH I'm FUCKED OFF WITH MYSELF.

Gotta go, bye

Chrissie