PorcelinaSoma's Journal

Journal Entry for May 14, 2008 Mood

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

***Slightly Explicit*** ***May Trigger?***

I've come to the conclusion that my boyfriend just doesn't care about my past abuse. He pretended to care for a while, and he still pretends to care most of the time. But my biggest issue is, to him, unimportant.

I was forced to give my ex head for upwards of 2 hours straight with no stopping. It put me in so much pain, and I felt like I was worthless. And not only did he force me to give him head for hours on end, he criticized every fucking move I made, and sometimes even grabbing my head and moving it the way he wanted without caring about the pain he put me in or how much he made me gag. As long as he got off, he didn't give a shit how I felt. And returning the favor? He'd never heard of such a thing!

So obviously I have an issue with giving head. Whenever I do it, I feel worthless, I'm in pain (which might be pain that comes back whether something is hurting me currently or not), and I feel like a slave. I feel dirty. I hate it more than anything else. I would rather break my own arm than give head. But my boyfriend loves it, so....

I do it. For him. Because he honestly isn't as bad as my ex. He doesn't grab my head. He doesn't criticize (even if he tries to tell me what is better [but all I hear are criticisms]). He tries to make sure I don't do it for long. Doesn't sound to bad, right?

Until you get to the conversations about it later. How he's fighting to get head because he loves it so much. I'm fighting to make it rare because it kills me. We agree that he gets head once a month. And in return, I get orgasms the only way I really can, by him giving me oral every third time we have sex. He doesn't like giving oral, but he likes the satisfaction of giving me an orgasm. So I guess that's getting something out of it, right?

Yeah, only I get nothing out of his satisfaction. I get resentment. Just like how I'd be resentful of him if he liked seeing me in pain.

So all he says in his defense is that he's not my ex and he's not forcing me to do anything horrible. Well he's still fucking with me. If he doesn't get his monthly head, then i get no orgasms. If he doesn't get his monthly head, then our sex life will be reduced to him pounding at me during sex so that he can get orgasms, and I get little or no pleasure.

How could I get pleasure from a guy that cares more about his fucking monthly blow job than the mental health and sexual satisfaction of his girlfriend? The girl he loves and wants to marry?

I wonder if he'll still want to marry me if I don't give him head anymore. Ha! He thinks I don't ever want sex now. Just wait until I refuse to give him head. I have every right to refuse. But we'd probably break up over it. One thing leading to another, it would end our relationship. Sex is that important to him.

I hope I'm not just crazy and am overreacting. I may be slightly overreacting, but at least I didn't lie throught this whole rant!

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Comments

And nobody will even read this so I don't know why I wasted my time.

PorcelinaSoma
Well I read it and sounds like your bf's (past and current)can be dicks sometimes.
Btw, writing about what you deal with is never a waste of time whether anyone else reads it or not....it's for you not anyone else. Sorry if I sound like a mom, I got 2 daughters. :-) Talk to your bf....deal with that shit....you deserve better.......

quixotica
If I deserve better, then why do I hate myself and not him?

PorcelinaSoma
i don't think you are overreacting at all. blow jobs are overrated. he's in the wrong for not respecting the fact that it brings you pain, physically and mentally. besides, you said he doesn't even like giving you oral...if you dont like it, and he doesn't like it, neither of you should do it. there must be other ways to get an orgasm, right? oh hell, i wouldnt know. I don't think I've ever even had one. I'm bad at giving advice...so I'm just going to say once again, you're not overreacting. and you shouldn't hate yourself for it. don't let anyone make you feel like less than you really are.

asdfbrittanyy
Under No circumstances should you do anything that makes you that uncomfortable! I understand that sex and oral sex are part of a relationship but love, understanding ,respect and trust are key You shouldnt hate yourself he should be ashamed of himself for making bargins with you instead of trying to help you overcome this in small steps in your time frame. I hope all works well for you

trying2smile
Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both partners, you shouldn't do anything that makes you feel bad or hurts you emotionally or physically. Someone who loves you wouldn't ask you too. There are lots of people who are uncomfortable with oral sex by the way its not a given in a relationship.

Silverstix
Okay, here's my two cents. First off, most men love blow jobs. So it's not unusual for him to want it so bad however, if you don't like giving it to him, especially if he doesn't like returning the favor then that's just not right. I know you love him and I do feel it's okay to sometimes do things sexually with our partners that we don't care for so much for the very reason that we love them and want to pleasure them, however, the fact that you guys are making rules about it (he get head once a month, you get oral every third time etc) well, I think that's taking a lot of the pleasure out of the sex. Sex shouldn't involve resentment or become a chore. And, especially given your past negative experiences, your bf really should be more sensitive to your needs. As as for you getting oral, well I personally woulnd't even want to get any oral from a guy if he didn't genuinely enjoy giving it to me. There are other ways to have great orgasms. I hope you don't take offese to me bringing this up, but have you tried vibrators or sex toys? My BF (who loves giving me oral btw) also enjoys watching me use toys during sex as well. And because I have sometimes have trouble orgamsing during intercourse or sometimes even during oral (as good as it feels), the toys definitely come in handy!! There's no reason why your BF should just pound you and have all the pleasure. Seriously, get some sex toys! You can even show him how to use them on you so that he can help give you orgasms without having to give you oral. As for you giving him head. I think you should stop doing it based on the monthly expectation he has of receiving it. Do it only when you really want to and are in the mood for it. He should help you get in the mood by giving you lots of foreplay and letting you know how much he cares for you. Sex should never become a chore and nor should you feel that you should have to give him oral in order to 'keep' him. If that's the case, then that's just plain not right. You two really need to sit down and talk about this...find out what would make sex enjoyable to the both of you...share your fantasies, your needs,and what turns you on.....and as I said before, there are more ways for you to get sexual pleasure and orgasms other than through just oral alone. If you think there's any other advice I could offer you about this or anything I can do to help, feel free to message me anytime. Clearly it sounds to me that the situation you guys are in isn't fair to you, or even to him either because I get the sense the neither one of you is really getting the opportunity to explore with each other how great sex can be if you take the rules out of it and if you can get him to listen to your feelings more. The best lovers are those who care about their partners feelings and pleasure, and no obligations should be involved. It should be fun and enjoyble, not stressful. I wish you the best of luck. You are both very young yet and I think you both (your bf in particular) has some learning to do in the sexual arena.

keepsmiling
as a guy, my take on this is he is very selfish and certainly doesn't put you first. I really don't want to upset you so please take what i am saying is meant with as much compassion and understanding that I have to give. Sweetie i rarely give opinions about relationships but this is absolutely heart breaking and has a sense of insanity to it. First sex is sex for sure BUT! it is something to be enjoyed and share equally and on a level playing field (no pun intended)it is not something to be endured.

I realize you have deep feelings for your boy friend but it has been my experience that the a person is during intimate relationships is generally a good indicator of the type of person is in every day life. I would guess that your boy friend is somewhat controling, doesn't like to be wrong, tends to be very critical etc. i hope i am wrong and completely off base. I think you need to ask yourself why you are with him and what are you getting out of this relationship. As a survivor of abuse you know what it is like to be controlled. and it sounds like there is an element of this in it.

if he is really a good man and is willing to learn and grow as a couple then by all means find a way to make it work. But don't scarifice yourself for something that is not good for you.

justanothersurvior
Neither of you likes giving it, but both like receiving it. So, strictly equal giving or forget it. Any reasonable person would see this is fair.

NoOneLeft
Honey, for all the talk about the sex here...it isn't even about that at all. It's about where you're head's at and how you feel and that's obvious by what you said to my response at the top. Feel free to drop me a note if you want to talk sometime. Take care.

quixotica
I was just feeling down, and whenever I do, I revert back to my old ways of dealing with things by hating myself. I relapse into that every now and then. I don't hate myself.

PorcelinaSoma
I completely agree with everything that 'keepsmiling' said. And if you haven't tried toys, you might want to look into that. I can't really get orgasms from oral, even though it feels good, but I can using vibrators, and my boyfriend has come to enjoy doing both with me.... so it's win win. You might want to invest in some! But, either way, you're not overreacting and you shouldn't hate yourself. Nor should you ever feel forced into anything. I hope things get better for you!

KristaLee
I'M SORRY THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU. FIRST OFF YOU SHOULD HAVE TO SCHEDULE WHEN YOU'LL RECEIVE AND ORGASM. SECOND, I WAS THAT GIRL IN HIGHSCHOOL THAT FOOLED AROUND ALOT, I HAD A HORRIBLE REP OF BEING A "BLOW JOB" AND IT WAS HORRIBLE. NOW THAT I'M HAPPILY MARRIED AND THAT PART OF MY LIFE IS OVER I HATE DOING IT. I DID IT ONCE TO MY HUSBAND BEFORE HE PROPOSED, AND HAVENT DONE IT SINCE AND I THINK ITS HIS JOB TO DEAL WITH IT. IF I CHANGE MY MIND I'LL LET HIM KNOW. MEANWHILE, HE GETS SEX ALMOST EVERYDAY, CREATIVE SEX, AND HE GETS TAKEN CARE OF BY ME. I'M A GOOD WIFE AND I'M SURE YOUR A GOOD GF AND YOU DONT HAVE TO DO IT . IF HE CANT ACCEPT THAT THEN BE DONE WITH HIM. MESSAGE ME ANYTIME, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL

nat79
some men are happy to go down on women and even more so that they can have sex afterward. i personaly dont ask for head, i only say yes to 69s, and i always do what im told... i hope things get better for you sweetie

jonathanHeartbroken