justtired08's Journal

I hate it when this happens. I've done it so many times!! Only this time he isn't saying we are broke up because he knows if he changes his mind that it will be hard for me to take him back, only I know that it will happen again..nothing changes, nothing changes. I took his cloths to his moms when I knew he wasn't going to be there...he was at the anniversary party, and said that he would be uncomfortable if I showed up or was there...I didn't go...How can you be married or with someone, that you can't talk to, or see or have contact with?? Last night when I was driving home there was a racoon on my side of the road, I seen it with lots of time so I went into the other lane, he ran under my car and I hit him hard...I was and am so upset, I couldn't control the already hard tears falling down my face. And I was coming to this house and he wasn't here...He is always the one that calms me down, tells me it wasn't my fault ect, and it was just me and my room.  My heart is aching because it knows what it is in for over the next few weeks. My nephew said he will be back in acouple of days. I am usually 99.99% right when he is going to leave or come back. They know this, and I know that he won't be back here in afew days..As long as he doesn't see me or talk to me, he will not be, and I am doing nothing to contact him, talk, nothing. I know that he is in a downward spirlal with his bi-polar right now, and the only one who can help him is him, but, I also suffer from depression, and have had my own stuff too.  I don't know if I am more afraid of him wanting to come back, and going threw this again, or more afraid of him never coming back, and this being it...I don't know!!  All I know is I am hurting, I do miss him, and that the hurt and confussion is a lot to deal with. He wrote me a very impersonable email, I wrote one back, but tried to be like his. I told him that I remember waking up and seeing him laying there, with a smile, and also told him that I am going to hang on to Calgary, what he said, how he felt how he treated me. From the time he called and said he bought my plane ticket (I don't like to fly and he went ahead and did it anyways) to the day I found out about him and his xw. That was his turning point. The guilt of me knowing, the shame that he was thinking the way he was then, and how complicated it all is because of it. I know he won't want to feel the hurt, and will do what he can not too. So I guess I need to accept that this is done. I just not ready yet...Im just not in that mental place. God Bi-polar and addicitions fucking suck!!!