Liti's Journal

Instead of cutting I have to write
I have to find the will to fight.

I sit here and think of all the lies I've told you:
How I don't feel it's my fault, how I think all that bullshit is true.
How I don't self blame and how I'll be fine
That it's all ok I just need a little time.

Time to figure this out and to know in my heart
That nothing I did was the cause of the start.
But that can't be true because I did it to myself
Now I sit here unseen as if I was in stealth.

I try to think clear but I can't think anymore
The blade in my closet has such a strong lure.
Then I get scared and stuck in my head
So I think of a time when I feel less dead.

It was right before it happened, I was scared but didn't leave
I stayed to keep a friend safe but I was the one in need.
It happened so fast and you talked so much
This is the reason I sit here and cut.

If I could stop and breath it wouldn't be so bad
But letting me do that was one thing you wouldn't have.
I hate you so much yet I hate myself more
I stayed to keep you safe but left feeling like a whore.

I only feel alive right after I almost die
I've never been able to figure out why.
Maybe because you killed me on the inside
Maybe because this is how I get things clarified.

The only thing that I know is always going to be true
Is that time cannot change that I hate you.