Liti's Journal

No grad school.

No Job.

No money.

No way to pay my bills.

Refusing to eat makes me sick.

Can't afford therapy or meds.

Refusal to go to a lock up facility.

Can't afford a voluntary one.

 No insurance.

My bf is to busy for me.

My family forgets I'm even still alive as is.

No one in this world needs me.

My best friend is about to complete suicide.  Without her I'm doomed to be alone in this world.  Face it... Justin is going to realized that I'm insane and he's going to leave me just like everyone else.  It's just a matter of time.  So I'm done too.  Peace out all.  Thanks for the love you've given me.  I'll miss you all.  But we'll meet again someday.

Love...

Just so you all know I am a failure.  Today was suppose to be a celebration of my graduation from college.  But it is more like a funeral than a party.  Yesterday I found out that I was blocked from entering grad school.  They decided that due to my variety in experience that I just don't know what I want to do. 

All my work wasted, all my years of schooling and money thrown down the drain.  3.2 isn't good enough.  I am not good enough. 

Without Justin I would have killed myself last night.  He found me and held me.  He let me cry.  He loved me when no one else could.  Even myself. 

I love him.

My name is Liti and two years ago I was raped. 

For a year and a half I ignored it and acted like nothing happened.  I was not ready to accept it.  It became a consumption that destroyed me from the inside. 

When I finally broke the silence, My life got even worse.  Everything that had ever meant anything to me, now meant nothing to me;  Including my own life.  I no longer cared if I lived or died.  It felt like I was dead already. 

For the last six months, I have not been a stable person.  For the last six months, I have been someone that needed support and love.  When I sought it, I found that my friends hated what I had become.  They didn't understand.  They said I had lost my mind and I was no longer the person that was their friend.  But I didn't care.  I was sick of putting on a show for others benefit.  I stared to defy the idea of a fake smile.  This was about me now. 

I wish I could tell you that I think I could have handled this without being that person for the last six months.  But truth is that I couldn't.  I needed that six months to get a grip on what happened and to move on and be OK with it. 

Some people don't understand that letting myself be upset was exactly what I needed.  They hold it against me to this day and say that I've lost my mind.  But when I looked the most when I had lost my mind was when I was most sane.  I only looked insane because I hurt so bad and I was cut so deep. 

I use to wish that "they" had just murdered me instead of just hurting me.  But now I see that with life comes a chance for change and growth.  People say "whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"... but that's shit.  If your arm gets cut off does that make you stronger?  NO! 

In a way I did die six months ago when I began to feel again.  But it was my own little miriacle from God that I was born again. 

When I cry don't think that I've lost it.  It just means that I'm still working on getting a grip on it.

When I'm scared dont' think that I'm just being stupid.

When I want to talk about it, don't act awkward and change the subject.  Just listen and love.

Don't tolerate me.  Accept me. 

Because if you love me and care about me, you need to realize that this is a part of me...

    for now, a big part of me.

With the love of my family and the love of the friends that stayed, I can move on.  I feel better already after talking to Becky.  She's a christian counselor and she's amazing.  I welcome her love, support, and guidance.  And I thank her.

I needed DS really bad when I started on here.  But I guess it is true, it is darkest before the dawn.  I feel much better now that I have the love and support of my christian family, a loving boyfriend, a partly understanding family, and the friends that stuck by me. 

I don't need DS anymore.  Not for now atleast.  I'm ok now.  I'm actually happy for the first time in years.  My dreams have changed from nightmares where I wake up in a cold sweat to dreams of dancing in the street with no music wtih Justin. 

I still have alot of work to do, but with Justin... I actually want to do everything I can to be better.  With Justin, I actually care about myself because he cares about me.  As stupid as that sounds, it took me wanting to make him happy to make myself happy.

I love you all and I thank you for all of your support.