alexana's Journal

This entry is not going to be another 'letter' to him.  Instead it will be about me and my day, the amazing support network I've been so blessed with and where I'm at now.

I have three terrific friends who I have been speaking with on a regular basis since this all went down.  The support I've received on this site has been nothing short of mind boggling, I am truly humbled by it.

I have quite a hard head - meaning I don't always listen terribly well.  Or rather it's better said that I don't always 'take in' what I hear.  And I've been hearing the same thing over and over again - you have to try Alexana, there is life out there, there is a way, don't give up, don't let your pride prevent you from trying (ie., using a scooter, ect).  

When it comes to trying it's not a matter of pride as much as it is of limited physical ability.  Also, I've always said I would stuggle with the difficulties and humiliations of this disease as long as I had a reason - ie, as long as I was married (I didn't want to leave Alex to pick up the pieces of me checking out).  When Alex walked out, I lost my reason for carrying on the struggle.

With the help of some very kind and caring people, I've managed to hold off doing the dirty.  I awoke this morning and thought, that's it - I've had enough - no more strength to fight on.  As the day wore on, and I listened to the wise words of one friend in particular, then listened again to the unconditional love of another friend,and the support (for whatever I decided to do) from Vicky, my sister.  I began to breathe again.

Vick put it so right - she said 'someone's pushing his buttons' and I'm willing to bet my last ice cream she's right.  Alex is a follower and he's easily manipulated by strong people.  He also is attracted to strong women, thus I know he's now shacked up with some bird who pressured him into leaving.

Then I think to myself the man is a loser, he's a taker and whilst in some ways he's stood by you despite the creature MS has turned you into, he hasn't really - has he?  Alex thinks about one person and one person only - Alex. He's shallow, weak and dishonest.  Yet, knowing this I stood by him - thinking well he didn't get 'perfect' and I didn't get 'perfect' - so we're even.  

Only, even if he came back cap in hand - which is not likely - I would look upon him with disgust and sadness.  All we ever had was a lie.  It is only a matter of time until he's found out (by this woman) and then he will realise what he gave up.  The absolute treachery behind his betrayal will never be forgiven or forgotten.

So now what?  I don't know is the simple answer.  I have set myself three short term goals:  1.  to see Vick tomorrow  2.  to learn how to use those damn forearm crutches and 3.  to look into getting a scooter - not sure where I'll go with it, but who knows...  I know all this posivity might change in a nano second if Alex does decide to make an appearance and mentions the D word (divorce).  I simply cannot physically manage a relocation and the upheavel that goes along with it.  So what the future holds is anyone's guess.

Speaking of the devil, he hasn't been in touch so for all I know he's taken off somewhere.  Whatever.  I'm still in shock over the suddenness of this all and feel in many ways I'm speaking, writing and hearing from a distance.  Automatic pilot I think it's called.

I had a long chat with Vick today and all I can say is that I'm blessed to have her.  We didn't always get on, but over the years we've grown closer.  I didn't realise what amazing friends I had - each so special in their own way.  I don't know how I would have managed the past few days without them or you guys and without the support I've received.  Simply put, I don't think I would have.

It's been mentioned that I should stop feeling sorry for myself.  That pissed me off and made me feel the person who said that really have a clue.  However, I'm not sure they're wrong or right - I've seen myself as being in shock and at a loss but not sorry for myself.  On the other hand maybe I have been and didn't realise it, don't know.

Last night (Friday night) I sat in the lounge watching telly thinking 'right now he's probably down at the pub, having a few beers and living it up with his new floosy' (I call her a floosy - although I can easily think of worst - because she intentionally took a married man away from his family).  So what can I do about it?  nothing.

So now I have to sit tight, take one day at a time and try and hold it together.

Thank you to everyone for being there.