blair87's Journal

a lot has happened since the last time i posted...

first and foremost, my grandmother is much better.  she stayed in the hospital

a few days and then was able to come home.  she build her WBC up and only

had a minor kidney infection which they cleared up with antibiotics.  sadly,

because of the intense first session of chemo, she began losing her hair.  one

morning we woke up and my uncle had already came over and shaved it off.

just thinking about it makes me tear up and makes my heart break.  my grandma

is very, very feminine.  she had a breast taken off, and then had to lose her hair.

when she gets angry or yells, i try to keep in mind that she's got reasons to be

upset and ill.  the only thing that really matters though is that she's feeling

better and getting a lot of rest.

in other news...

tyler and i went to disneyworld and came home yesterday.  now, let me explain.

my family had planned for all of us to go to disney over the 4th of July.  well,

my grandma was placed in the hospital and therefore, we were unable to go.  long

story short, tyler and i were able to go.  as horrible as it is to say, it felt so nice

to just be away and not hear any yelling and fighting.  it was wonderful coming

and going as we pleased and doing what we want when we wanted to.  no set

schedule. no hurry. we had tons of fun...

i took tyler to the airport today so he could go back to north carolina.  i think 

that everything that happened with my grandma, and then him having to go home,

and then me having to come back to my home, just all hit me at once.  i cried

the entire two hour drive to the airport and after he left my sight at the gate, i went

to the bathroom and tried to keep myself from completely losing it.  the walk to

my car was a complete mess. the drive home was so lonely.  i felt like there was

nobody out there. i started thinking crazy things.  i started thinking that

everybody hated me.  that something terrible would happen to tyler during his

trip home and i would never get to see him again.  i started picturing myself

getting in a horrible wreck.  i have no idea why i started thinking about all of it...

part of me even thought about driving right off the road, but my logical side

kept that from happening.  i guess i'm just really depressed.

i don't know what exactly is up with me.  it's not just that tyler went back home.

we're planning on him moving here by next week sometime.  i just feel like i have

been so selfish. i  feel like i've been a horrible friend to everybody.  i want to

make things better, but then i don't want to be anywhere, i just want to be alone.

i don't know exactly what all is going on in my head right now. whenever i get

depressed i think about my past friends, and, even though the relationships

weren't good, i wanted to stay friends with them.  how our friendship falling

apart was my fault.  i know that's not true, and i don't want to be friends with

them anymore because that is all in the past.  regardless, the thoughts start

flashing through my head.

my mother is completely crazy.  i'm trying not to cry right now. i don't know 

what to do. i don't know about anything anymore. i just want to stop crying.

i want to stop hearing i'm an idiot. i want to stop hearing that i'm basically

crazy.  i want to leave and never come back. i wish i could be numb. i wish i

could be a zombie.  i know a lot of people take meds and then talk about how

they don't like the feeling they get about being numb... i'd gladly trade you right

now. i just want to be a zombie. i want to be immune to the things i hear. i want

to just not care for a while. 

i'm sorry that this is getting long. i don't know if anybody will read this. i want

to let everybody know that i appreciate the prayers you have sent this way. it

means the world to me.  please keep them coming. and maybe, just maybe, say

a little one for me for the next week or two. i don't know how i can deal with

any of this right now.

i love you all.