egs827's Journal

I feel like I've been alone in a dark room for a long time, and now, finally, I'm starting to let in the light.  For a long time after my miscarriage, I felt empty and angry and jealous and sad.  I didn't really want to talk to anyone or even be around anybody except my husband.  I just wanted to stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head and sleep all day long.  I hated my BIL and his pregnant wife.  I was angry with my husband for being happy for them.  I couldn't stand the teacher next door because she was so happily pregnant.  I hated going to church because of all the babies and pregnant women there.  I was just so bitter.  My social skills just went out the window.  I didn't talk to people, and I didn't want them to talk to me.  I've lost a lot of friends in the last few months. 

But I've been hitting my knees pretty hard praying these last couple of weeks, and finally, finally, I'm feeling good again.  I went to the pharmacy yesterday, and while I was waiting for my prescription to be filled, I saw just the most adorable baby imaginable.  He was holding one of those brightly colored phamplets that they give away there and waving it all around.  He saw me and held the phamplet up, like he was saying "look what I got," and then he just laughed and giggled.  Usually being around babies makes me feel sad and depressed, but after playing with that baby yesterday, I felt happy.  Uplifted, even.  When I first got pregnant, I was a little scared, cause I wasn't sure if I was ready to be a mother.  But now, after going through all of this, there's no doubt in my mind.  I wanna be a mommy, and I'm gonna be a mommy.  A good one.  I just can't wait to have a baby. 

Oh, and I've also been praying for God to ease my back pain, and He totally did.  I've been pain free all week.  God is awesome!