Delissa22's Journal

I fucked up friday nite. I decided to have a couple drinks, that ended up turning into who knws how many. I guess it was way too many cuz I went INSANE. I woke up saturday morning in CSU ( the crisis stablization unit). Come to find out I was screaming and yelling and trying to run down the street. I was saying that ppl were trying to kill me and that I wanted to kill myself. I ran and fell into a hole and jumped out of the pool. I guess I was trying to pull out my hair and was beating on the bathroom cabinets. I ended up hurting my moms wrist. My parents had to call the cops and they (the cops) BakerActed (?) me. I got out this afternoon.

It wasn't that bad there to tell u the truth. I had to talk to what felt like a million therapist and docs. I got to watch tv and read. It sucked that it was non smoking though. They said i was a danger to myself, b/c of my SI. OK. They put me on Lexapro. I have my first outpaient therapy session or what not on the 16th. I'm not sure if this is what I need, and I'm not sure if im really ready to face my demons but, I guess I'll give it a shot. The guy that I'm kinda seeing was pretty worried that I just sorta dissapeared on him. I didn't have his # to call him @ csu but, I called him when I got out and told him the truth about what happened, cuz my dad didn't knw what to tell him when he called saturday. He is glad that I'm alright and he wants to still talk and stuff. I was really nervous about telling him.

I feel like shit about the whole thing. It makes me want SI soooo bad to knw that I let myself get out of control. I'm so stupid. All I knw is NO MORE alcohol for me. I'm tired of getting myself into these messes. I could have really hurt someone or did some real damage. My parents are just glad that I'm finally getting meds and seeing a therapist. My weekend was real fun. LOL. :)

I'm so FUCKING STUPID. I HATE FOOD. I HATE everything about me. I HATE that I will never be the person I wish I could be. I HATE being FAT. I HATE being HIDIOUS. I just wish I could end it all. I'm NEVER going to be able to love myself. How can I expect somone to accept me for who I am when I can't even do that? There is nothing interesting or wonderful about me. I'm just a BIG FAT STUPID LOSER ASSHOLE WASTE OF SPACE. I dn't knw why I bother to try to be happy cuz I NEVER will be. It makes me sooo ANGRY to look @ myself. I'm sooooo GROSS. Why is it that when ppl say that they like me all I can think of is that their lying? Why would anyone like me. I must be a HORRIBLE person cuz no one wants to be my friend (not talking about ya'll on this site). Why was I even born? I was dealt a fucking shitty hand. It was all a mistake. I should have never even been born. My mother should have used a FUCKING CONDOM. Thanks a fucking lot mother. Why do ppl tell me I look like I'm losing weight? What a bunch of MORONS. I'm still the BIG FAT PIG I've always been. AAAAHHHHHH. I just wanna SCREAM or CRY or SI to the point of no return. Life SUCKS ASS. Everyone (not ya'll) hates me and wishes I would drop off the FUCKING planet so why shouldn't I hate myself. There's nothing to FUCKING smile about.

I'm in love with Celtic music. There is something about it that is so soothing, so natural to hear. I'm not sure how to describe how I feel listening to it. I bought a CD earlier 2day called Celtic Wonder, several different bands/ persons songs are on it. It feels like it is something I have been listening to all my life, which in reality I haven't. I really believe that I was born in the wrong lifetime. I feel @ home hearing these songs. I'm calm. I want to do something, not sure what though. I just had to come on here and type something about it. I feel like I'm going to explode with peace. What I just said lastly doesn't make any sense I knw. Beautiful music.