NitaSue62's Journal

I've Got to Figure This Out Mood

Wednesday, May 14, 2008 | A Rambling story

I do not love myself. i hate myself and everything about me-my body, my mind, my skewed thinking, everything.

I am trying to remember when i stopped loving myself. Was it one incident, one word spoken, one action? Or a conglomeration of happenings thru the years of my life?

It's as though my brain is like a canvas, and someone has been just smearing the canvas with black finger paint, or another way to see this is someone took all kinds of paint, all different colors, and just threw it up onto a wall, allowing the paint to go anywhere. my brain=fucked up.

i remember being happy when i was 5. i was a happy little girl. after that, shit started happening. Actions, reactions, unclear messages, deceitful people, users, abusers....and i just opened my arms and heart and said "Come on in to my life...just as long as you say i love you occasionally, you can stay" you don't even have to mean it, just say it, ok?

sometimes, i feel myself splitting into pieces of someone different. i try to hold on to the 5 yr old. she seems the happiest.

Hug NitaS...

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Comments

I have felt this way many many times - like since I was 12 I have not found true happiness. Are there moments, though, that are ok? I have to live for those "ok" moments or I go crazy dwelling on the negatives in my life. I am so trusting of people and I get walked on like a doormat because of it so I understand where you are coming from. Just wanted to say you aren't alone. I'm around if you want to talk. By the way, you write very well - your descriptions of what it is like are very vivid. You have that going for you and I don't even know you yet. It's hard to see the positive when you feel this way I know but see if you can make a list of things that you do like about you. It sounds corny but it helps to look at the list when you are down on yourself. Take care.

WoeBeGone
Here, here WoeBeGone! Nita, this person is right. Rather than dwelling on all the negative, start dwelling on the positive. Make that list. I could make it for you and I think you'd be really surprised how you've affected the lives of me and my children. You are loved, for real. We don't just say it, we mean it. And YES you do write very well. Maybe we should write a book together, I'll speak, you write....hehe....we'll call it "Sisters in the Hood!" Haha.

hopealaska
i am glad you can remember that young girl/you
i have also struggled with feelings that you have spoke of here
i still struggle with it.i have no advice or help to help your through so i just will say that i care about you.i think you are a beautiful person.your friendship and hugs always help and make me smile and get through my day.....(hugs)

jannis
Please talk to a councelor and think about the fact that you didn't do anything to deserve the things that happened to you.

You are a good person and you deserve to feel good about yourself.

Reil

reil64