NitaSue62's Journal

It was in 1978 and i was 16. Tommy and i had been dating for several months. i didn't know it at the time, that i had some really serious issues about being abandoned. i felt like i had to really hold on tight to tommy, or else he'd break up with me too, just like the others.

One afternoon, we were sitting in my white beanbag chair, watching t.v. Tommy's cousin Ben lived down the street, and that's where Tommy stayed when he was in town. He lived a couple hours away from me.

He had been at my house all weekend, and he said he was going to go down to Aunt Ann's  for awhile.

i begged and pleaded for him not to leave. it's like i was so desperate and had feelings that i'd never felt before. it was like i thought i'd never see him again just because he was going one block away.

He got up to leave and i was sobbing. As he walked thru the front yard, i ran my fist through the plate glass window. He ran back inside and stayed.

luckily i didn't get cut too badly.

now i realize how mixed up, afraid, and manipulative i was/am.

i am so freaking afraid of being alone, of dying alone.

of not being important to a man....seems like this stems from trying SO damn hard to get my daddy's love and attention. i loved him so much, but he ignored me and that hurt.

so, by running my hand thru the glass, i not only got tommy and daddy's attention, tommy ended up staying. Hell no wonder he didn't want me.

What a fucked up mess of a woman i am.