huricanehj's Journal

So my previous blog said some stuff about the BF.. Well now to be Ex and moving out of my apt and back to Pa where he came here from. I told him about a month ago that taking our relationship out of it that I need to take care of myself and that he isn't helping me and that he needs to go.. I thought that I would be "nice" and let him work a little more and get money saved up so he could move. But that will never happen again.. He has been using my computer to start a myspace account and try to find single women where he is moving to. I have been just ticking like a time bomb. My computer that I paid for and I pay for the internet to get online is not a dating service for him.. He hasn't paid me one cent since he has moved in here. I just about went broke bc of all the Dr appt and the meds that I had to spend tons of money on scripts and I have been in so much pain. With no help what so ever. It has been a heart breaking thing and also an eye opening thing as well. I learned what I will never put myself through again. I hate the fact that I gave him some time to get things together. I hate theat he is sleeping in MY bed and eating MY food. He is sulking around like a 5 year old. My mom tells me that I am acting like there is a pink elephant in the room and I just keep walking around it. I want to scream and yell at him. I know that if I don't get things out then they will turn into resentment. But I was told by him that I am to just keep my emotions to myself until he leaves bc this is so emotionally hard on him. Which i know it is but he is such a selfish ass that I am not allowed to speak my mind. I can't keep it in anymore. I don't know if I should write it in a letter or just let it out on him. I don't want to sound like I am hating. But I give so much and I get nothing in return from anyone. All my friends so I far too nice that is my problem. I live my life by treat other like you want to be treated in every aspect.. I will continue to live my life that like in hopes that someone out there lives and walks their everyday in the same way. I know I am not the only one. I am just so numb. I know this too shall pass. But what do I do when I am angry with him at every moment of the day. I feel like I am going insane. I took 2mg of zanax and slept for 5 hrs just so I didn't have to even acknowledge him. this is not good. Grrrr