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I don't think I can go on too much longer. The pain is too deep. I can't stop hurting. I feel there is nothing to look forward to in life anymore. People say it gets a little easier each day but each day that goes by I feel worse and more pain. The fact that I don't know exactly why this is happening is what hurts most. After 16 years how do you just treat a person you loved as if they don't exist anymore? He keeps telling me we will talk and the day never comes. Why is running away from his life with no explanation?
I can't sleep much, I have no motivation anymore, I have to force myself to eat, I can't concentrate at work. I see no reason to keep existing in this painful world. I have no purpose in life. My ex stepdad was right when he said no man would ever love me. My heart is broken in a million pieces and I just don't think I can put it back together. The only thing I have left to love is my 14 year old dog, once he is gone I will have nothing so why bother? why not just put him and myself out of misery? It would be so easy.
I have to go now I am crying too much to continue writing.
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Why can't I just stop talking to him? I tell myself I won't bring "us" up but I keep on doing it. He tells me that we were both unhappy for awhile. I told him I don't think that we were unhappy with each other so to speak, just with everything going on around us. He's more or less been "gone" for a month now so I asked him if he was any happier now than before he left and he said no. So then what the hell is he waiting for? A sign to fall out of the sky pointing him to happiness? He seems so angry right now about life. I wish he would talk to someone but he won't. I know some of the things that made me unhappy about myself that's why I am seeing a therapist now so she can help me work those out. No matter what I never stopped loving him and really want to fight for this marriage but I am afraid if too much time passes being apart that that won't happen. I am trying to make him understand that we need to give it a chance because I don't want either one of us to say in the future that "Gee maybe our marriage wasn't the problem and gee I wish we would have done more to find out." I just don't think I can ever be at peace with myself if we just give up and throw it all away. How do I make him understand all this? I feel like I am beating a dead horse. 
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You sound like how I feel each time I read something that you wrote. It is like I could take what you wrote and copy into my journal. Mine hasn't been gone - that is the ONLY difference. First I wanted to tell you that they all seem to be searching for something that he will never find. Also, you don't give up until you are ready - don't let anyone talk you into anything you don't feel in your heart. At the same time - don't let anyone talk you into staying if you are ready to move on. Also you probably won't stop loving him for a long time. That is not something that is going to happen overnight. Also I know how it is to have someone that won't go to see a counselor. I wish I could myself (finances hold me back) but you keep going. No matter what it will help you. And that is what matters most. Lastly - wanted you to know that I have been going through problems with mine for about 10 months now and only now am I starting to see things change (very slowly) but they are. So it doesn't matter how much times passes by - there is always a chance....if it is meant to be.
Thanks for reading and I hope that you start to feel better soon!
Kirbie
Well today didn't start out too well at first. Husband called me this morning at work and said he was coming to drop some money off (its about time). Anyways, I started in on him on the phone and when he got to my work about how I feel he has abandoned the house and responsibilities and how I don't know where he is staying and how can anyone get in contact with him if there's an emergency when he doesn't answer his phone or listen to voice mails. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said he didn't know at this point. Well that conversation didn't end so well, we both ended up angry. I did talk to him a couple more times later in the day and those conversations went a little smoother. We didn't argue about anything. I didn't get the responses I wanted for some of my comments or questions but at least we talked without fighting. He did tell me that he still has a lot of feelings for me but that he's not happy with our life anymore. but yet he doesn't know what would make him happy. We talked again about 2 hours ago for about an hour. I tried not to bring up us getting back together. We did agree on couple of things about mistakes we both have made and the fact that with financial problems and other stress factors over the last three years that we lost sight of what was important and that was each other and our love. I know that I still love him but I'm not sure if he knows what he's feeling anymore. It just seems like he has stopped caring about life in general. I really wish he would see a therapist but he refuses. Male pride I guess. So apparently in a man's eyes its better to leave your wife and home then to figure out the real root of the problem. I asked him about coming home and he said he's not comfortable with that idea yet. WHATEVER!!
Anyways I am going to try my hardest not to keep pressuring him cause I don't want to push him further away. I just wish he would look deep in his heart and soul and hopefully find the love he once had. I did tell him that I wanted us to try one more time because I'm afraid if we don't at least try one or both of us may have regrets later if we make the wrong choice and stay apart. So I am hoping that he will at least think about some of the things I said today. I just don't know how much longer I can wait
Past Entries
| July 2008 |
Sunday, 7/06
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Sunday, 7/06
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Saturday, 7/05
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Friday, 7/04
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June 2008 |
Tuesday, 6/17
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May 2008 |
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Saturday, 5/24
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Thursday, 5/08
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March 2008 |
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Friday, 3/14
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Thursday, 3/13
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Thursday, 3/13
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Sunday, 3/09
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Saturday, 3/08
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Friday, 3/07
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Thursday, 3/06
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February 2008 |
Friday, 2/15
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Goal Updated
Lisa -
He's controlling you - even from a distance. I NEVER in a million years thought I would be at this point in my life - but I'm finally here.
Why is life not living anymore? Because some idiot of a man doesn't seem to care about you anymore? I know you have many years together, I know how much you believe you love this man - but step back - and see what's happening.
He's abusing you, he's causing you so much pain and he's causing you to think your life isn't worth anything.
He's running away from his life and you - because he's a coward. He doesn't have the guts to tell you he's not in love with you - instead it's easier for him to string you along like a rabitt following a carrot.
I can't tell you what to do - but you need to realize thinking you can't go on becuase this guy doesn't want to be in your life anymore.
I know you've said there are financial barriers you have for leaving this guy - but Lisa - I'm telling you - feeling like your life is not worth continuing is a dangerous state of mind to be in.
I had to leave my husband because my sanity was teeterig. We're on the opposite spectrum but I had visions of hitting him upside the head with a frying pan, shooting him, pushing him down the stairs. Now that's crazy talk and I realize it was - but you talking about your life not being worth anything - that's crazy talk on your part.
Your ex-stepdad is full of crap as well. This man you're still married to obviously loved you at one time - or he wouldn't have married you.
I know your heart is breaking - I know it's broken - trust me I do. But why does this man have so much control over you? What has he done that is so extroidinary about this guy who plays games with your emotions.
I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you - please for your own sake - think about leaving and never turning back.
It's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm always here if you feel you need to talk.
Kelly
tigersnow0214
I am so sorry that you are hurting. I understand your pain - because i feel the same. I don't want to go back to my suicidal thoughts - but they keep trying to creep back into my mind.
I am also sorry that your ex stepdad told you that - he shouldn't have done that - it is not true. You are a wonderful person (even the little i know about you) I hope that one day you will see what others see.
He doesn't realize what he has given up - but one day he will. By that time it may be too late but thats okay cause if that happens it means that you have gone on with your life and you dont need him anymore.
I keep trying to tell myself this same thing. I pray that your pain gets better!
I am here if you need me also.
HUGS
KT
skirbie