abc1's Journal

In the time I have left.... Mood

Thursday, May 15, 2008 | An Educational story

From toddler to old age, I am still learning. I have survived insurmountable issues of and in life, yet still lack the real basic connects that will help my project move forward. From extremes of torture, starvation not knowing if I would live from one minute to the next, I finally found my way to traverse through the murky dis connect of life. Trust was and still remains much of my reticence to reach out further. 500 thousand times to reach out yet only moved an inch closer to finding 'real peoples' with care.

I've beat the odds of teachers, parent's, peoples telling me I would never learn, because of profound learning disorders, added to the above traumatic experiences through abusers in my lifetime. It was a long hard and ardious goall, just to feel that I could accomplish anything. Finally I learned by myself to read, write, analyze and somehow learn to write with some accomplishment in allowing people to understand my thoughts, feelings, goals to a degree.

People confuse me at times by their lack of the actuality of saying what they mean. They say one thing but do the exact opposit of what they say they will do. I want to count on their statement of, 'trust me', 'i'm here for you', 'tell me about your goals, your project(s), and let me see what I can do to help you'. So I have done this many times over. Either they listen, then walk away, or they listen, say they will assist, then never show up; or listen, say they wil assist and walk away with my idea(s) and do it themselves. Hard lessons learned and still I want to trust, but become even more dejected when people say 'they understand', how can they help?' I just scream a silent scream of exasperation and wonder if this is a continual test from God above, to see how much patience I have, and or if it is a preview of pergatory to come. Why in the first place articulate to any human being 'how can they help' then exit without putting their statement into action.

All I know for sure is, I have established a non-profit;worked 35 years in putting support assist for lives, support warm line, offered my volunteerism in and for citified outreaches, boards, events but when I ask for support, it just does not transpire. I know a lot of it is because I can't add past two, or know or find anyone to help write a grant. Money seems to be the central theme in all of this.

Second is finding real people who want to work for the same objectives and make them become a reality.

Third but really first factor, no friends. Everyone started leaving when they saw i could not keep up with them because of my disabilities. "access and inclusion" is a very real and formidable foe physically when you can't get around. It's tougher still when you use a manual wheelchair, but your legs, arms and hands slowly are going down hill.

Healthwise, I watch my health, my food intake, but become overwhelmed when I realize I am going exactly nowhere fast.

I have no idea of how to progress further. It's not that I am afraid to try, it's that I tell people what I am able to do, what has worked, what has not worked, but where to find real committed people to help me further?

So, I don't think age or any disability should stop any person. But when you have gone as far by yourself as you can, and need further help, where can a person go to really feel they will be assured of success?

How does a person on disability with a dream unfullfilled, get it on and past the drawing board?

So, what do I have to date?

1 non-profit - a website asking for 1 million signatures

Next I need funds to go further and can't work from pittence. But here I sit without further understanding or connect. I could go under the covers and admit defeat, but that's not me, try as I want to say the heck with it all. While i am no fullbright scholar material, I am not without some amount of brain. I wonder all the more, at age 65, will i die before I have accomplished what I want most in life to achieve with my non-profit?

In some way I feel I am fighting against a time element because of being on dialysis. I try to reserve my energy and do what I can, but it is never enough, nor does it get me any closer to my goals or objectives. I fear I will die before anything will or can be accomplished.

Only 160 signatures so far. :( I have sent to newspapers locally and globally, reached out on many internet sites.

Objective IS to reach disabled individuals, those awaiting transplant organs and tissues, as well one or more compounded issues of disabilities to sign our global petition. Large order, small connect. How to find more peoples in the small amount of time.

Funny, two mirror issues going on. My time of life left, and a limited time left to gain 1 million signatures by August 1, 2008, for people who hang in the balance daily between life and death, all needing resolution of how to 'stay alive' and out of exesses of abuse(s), torture, lack of rights, 'access and inclusion', limited if no connect to people(s) to help them.

Is it me or is it the sign of the times? Is it me and my lack of abilities? Is it me because of lack of monies to see this project through? Am I incapable of articulating what it is that I want to accomplish?

How do i get beyond stop?