Ladiie0905's Journal

I am not sure what to do. I love my boyfriend but a lot of the time I don't feel like he loves me. A lot of the time I feel like all I am good for is sex. I feel like I want so much more for myself. He never talks to me or tells me how he feels, I have to pull it out of him. We fight a lot, and there is really no reason to fight. I feel like he doesn't understand and I feel like he doesn't care about me. I used to feel extremely cared about by him but not so much anymore. I don't know if I am doing something to make him withdraw but I want things to work out. I am going to talk to him tonight and tell him the way I feel but I want to gather my thoughts and write down exactly what I feel. I just feel like things are so different from when we first got together, to now and it hasn't even been that long.

-he used to listen to me and hold me when I cried.
-he would never ask me to have sex after I told him things, like I was having bad memories
-he didn't get angry all the time and take it out on me (verbally or silently)

I feel so sad as I'm writing this, I want someone who can understand the things I have been through and respect me for that, I just want him to hold me. I want his touch but in a totally non sexual way. I just want him to love me right.

I have been really angry lately, I know that it is my bipolar so I talked to my doctor today and he increased my meds. I really hope it works. I hate when I feel so angry and I can't control it.

All I want to do is cry right now I just want to curl up in a ball and sob my eyes out. I want someone here to love me so bad, like my mom, I want to become a child again and not have to worry about anything I want to go back to innocence, I never knew innocence, I want to catch a glimpse of it. I want to lay in the grass and look at the stars or the clouds I want to be carefree and loving and trusting I want so much for myself that I feel I can never have. I feel hopeless I feel like I will never get what I deserve I will stuck for the rest of my life in shitty relationships, relationships where I give more than I get. In the beginning of this relationship I was so happy I thought David was the perfect person for me I don't know when things changed or how they changed but they did and I don't know what to do .