miadancer72's Journal

I haven't been doing that bad lately...just kind of up and down. But I am still struggling with a lot. I have had a lot of thoughts lately about really going backwards with my ED. I purged a few nights ago and have been binging a lot. But overall Im not doing horrible. I just feel empty. Its not even really like I feel depressed, just hollow without my dad. Basically my entire life for the past year (and a lot of my life before that) revolved around going to Cali to take care of my dad, worrying about my dad, talking to my dad. Everything!!! I was soo close to him and I miss him sooo much. It feels weird saying it but its almost like I miss worrying about him to. His problems and health, etc consumed so much of me that I feel empty without constantly thinking about it. I don't really see any of my friends anymore because they got so used to me not being able to hangout on the weekends because I was in Cali that they sort of just stopped asking. My grades are dropping because I'm just not motivated to do all the makeup work. Last year I had just as much but at least I felt like I was working towards something. Like if I keep doing my makeup work then I can go to Cali and motivate my dad to get better. But now he is gone forever and that is no longer a possibility. I have also lost my interest in dance (which has always been my passion) because my dad will not be here to see my concert. Last year we talked about him getting better and coming to my dance concert but he couldn't make it so I thought for sure he would be here this year...but that is all over now. I basically have lost my social life, my good grades, my passion, everything...because my life revolved around my dad. He really was my world. At times it was a good thing....and I guess at times like this it is a bad thing. I wanted to do everything to make him proud. To motivate him to do well to. A large majority of everything that I did or thought about was for him. I just thought if I tried hard enough and if I devoted everything to him then he would eventually get better. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. I don't know. Its not that I am even suicidal right now (surprisingly, I haven't been in a while) it's just that I don't have much of a will to live. That doesn't even mean that I wish I was dead right now either...its just like I don't get much satisfaction out of anything I do right now. I don't feel any joy or anything...just numb. As cliche as it sounds....I honestly feel like there is a giant hole in me and nothing could ever possibly fill it...aside from my dad still being here. I don't know...I just feel empty and confused and numb.