MelanieJeanne's Journal

"Its failure that I fear most of all, not the unknown, not rejection, not even fear it's self.  Failure, it's a pretty daunting subject, "You failed", that's never something someone wants to hear, especially when it comes to life.  "You're a failure at life", My God!  How awful would that be?  I used to think that I was afraid of being alone, or afraid of being unsuccessful, but I realized that I view all these things that scare me as failures and that is why I fear them so much!  I need to realize that not having a man doesn't make me a failure; a failed relationship doesn't mean I myself have failed just the relationship, right? No one succeeds at everything they try, it doesn't make us failures or unsuccessful even, on the contrary it means that we are successful at the game of life, because at least we are trying!  I don't need to be afraid of failure, because it's not rather or not I fail at something that matters, it's if I have the courage to get up and try again, start over, get back on the horse!  I choose my life!  It's up to me how things turn out, if I don't like the direction my life is going then I need to do something about it because no one else is going to.  I don't need a man to be happy.  When I can find true happiness within, on my own, then life will bring along someone who compliments my joy, and I'll be able to recognize people who go against it.  Only when I can learn to be happy on my own, will I learn and find true love and happiness in someone else."

     This was the epiphany that I had at work yesterday.  We were having a slow night, and my mind was racing, I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and started writing.  I'm very excited with what I figured out.  I still possess this fear of failure, but I know what I have to do.  Its just getting up the courage to do it thats my problem. 

~Melanie