LoriSmith's Journal

Feels like forever since I have been to my journal.  Between vacation and work I have been busy. I ned to stay busy right now because my dreaded due date is approcahing and I would be preparing for my baby right now. Sometime life sucks. I have to accept what has happened and move forward. Try to learn something from this horrible experience. When all of this happened that cold January day the doctor told me in no uncertain terms that I was a very lucky women to be alive after what happened. What happened to me could have been fatal. I was internally bleeding to death. I just can't get the ultrasound tech's words out of my head. They will be there forever. "There is a strong heartbest, It is viable!" Ughhhh I just sort of wish that I did not hear that. I had to end that heartbeat. I had to. There was no choice in the matter. It still kills me everyday. I am busy the next couple of weeks and I just want to get past August 11, 2008. That would have been the day! I am doing better but I know that thi is another hurdle to overcome. 3 weeks from today!!!!! 

I am doing much better with the Steve thing. I really have seen him for what he is and not what I was in love with. He is soooo not the man I thought. I still think about him alot. I guess I always will after all of this.  I just need to focus on pushing him out of my head more. Let it go. Let it go. He never cared for me the way I deserved and I allowed myself to be treated that way and have no one to blame but myself. Not that I blame myself but I am just dissapointed in myself for being so blinded. I learned one of the most valuabel lessons in my life I think and I really am doing ok. Mike and I are doing fine for the most part. He has some alcohol issues but hey so do I. It is a sickness and he is a good man. He was there for me after all of this and realy do love him.  I just wish I would not have moved so quickly and divorced him. I would still be married and well I guess things worked out the way they did and if we do get remarried I really will appreciate it more this time.

Besides like my sister said one day when I told her I was so angry at Steve for being an ass and hated him so much. She told me "you know lor he lost something too and we all deal with thing differently, I'm sure he would do things different if he could just like you would" she's right. I DO NOT WANT TO BE HATEFUL ESPECCIALLY WHEN I LET MYSELF BE USED. hOW CAN i BE MAD AT SOMEONE FOR THAT?? Maybe I am a little mad because I believe in my heart that he led me on somewhat. he wasn't as totally honest with me as he clams. he kept me hanging on a hope.  Really am trying to be at peace. I know I will one day. Whether he will be or not well I can't worry about that anymore.