kensgirl's Journal

Visited the grave today.  I cant say I visited him because I know he is not there.  After nearly 18 months the headstone was finally laid on January 3rd 2008.  It has made it final.  I am angry and want to scream and kick it down because it's not what I wanted, but I had to allow my in-laws to "have their in-put" as I had arranged all of the funeral how I wanted it.  Placed 12 beautiful orange roses in the posy bowl.  Against the white marble stone it looked very clean and tidy.  Ironic considering the mess he left behind, but I know he would have liked the roses.  My little boy desperately wants to "go and see" his daddy's headstone and when the weather is better I have promised to take him and a little teddy that he has.  I feel very jealous because I dont want anyone else to lay any other flowers on his grave.  I feel very guilty for this as I know they have every right to.  But his family have completely cut me and my children out of their lives.  I'm sure they blame me for his death, but I had nothing to do with it.  I have been assured people will make scapegoats and that is unavoidable.  I have to accept they want to blame me, they are in their 70's and they dont have any other answers, but how can they cut out my two boys?  I know it must hurt them to look into their eyes and see their son, but I have to endure that everyday.  Not only have we lost the man we love, but also now, granny, grandpa, aunty, uncle,and cousins.  So much for the close knit family I thought we belonged to eh?