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Visited the grave today. I cant say I visited him because I know he is not there. After nearly 18 months the headstone was finally laid on January 3rd 2008. It has made it final. I am angry and want to scream and kick it down because it's not what I wanted, but I had to allow my in-laws to "have their in-put" as I had arranged all of the funeral how I wanted it. Placed 12 beautiful orange roses in the posy bowl. Against the white marble stone it looked very clean and tidy. Ironic considering the mess he left behind, but I know he would have liked the roses. My little boy desperately wants to "go and see" his daddy's headstone and when the weather is better I have promised to take him and a little teddy that he has. I feel very jealous because I dont want anyone else to lay any other flowers on his grave. I feel very guilty for this as I know they have every right to. But his family have completely cut me and my children out of their lives. I'm sure they blame me for his death, but I had nothing to do with it. I have been assured people will make scapegoats and that is unavoidable. I have to accept they want to blame me, they are in their 70's and they dont have any other answers, but how can they cut out my two boys? I know it must hurt them to look into their eyes and see their son, but I have to endure that everyday. Not only have we lost the man we love, but also now, granny, grandpa, aunty, uncle,and cousins. So much for the close knit family I thought we belonged to eh?
Hopefully posting this may just make someone who is considering suicide to change their mind. Until Christmas 2007, I was often harrassed by the media to "Sell my story". I have never done so and would never consider doing so. I tell people what happened and I receive a form of release just for a short time of the anguish I go through day after day. Money has never been an option for giving my story, because it is just that, finally tipped my husband over the edge. I believe in my heart that my husband killed himself because he thought all the debts he left behind would "die" with him. Please, please believe me.....this is NOT the case. If a person has any assets what so ever, they can be taken away to pay the debt regardless. Our home was only in my husbands name and the most sad and sickening thing of all is that it is worth more than the debt he had. But I know my husband would not have wanted us to loose everything we worked for and the childrens home. Needless to say......that happened anyway. Life is not the same, the home, is not the same, the children are not the same, and as for me....well....I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth.
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Someone once told me I should write a book about my life. But you know what, I don;t think anyone would believe it. So much has happened to me from the moment I was born to this very moment I type......I dont think theres enough time left in my life to write it all down. I am fed up with being fed up.....I want to live my life in peace.....I want to smile again....I want my heart to race......I want to feel the sun on my face.....perhaps I just want too much.....
I'm very sorry to hear of the things you have experienced. Just know ur not completely alone here. Sending hugs to you!
LuvUrself
Thank you for your kind words and support. It means a lot to me.D.x.
kensgirl