jbmany's Journal

I was finally able to turn a corner a few days ago.  I don't know where the opening occured - I suppose it doesn't matter.  I am finally able to let go.... of all the questions, all the answers, the past and all the potential future considerations.  I feel at peace with where I am now... in this moment.  I feel that I must trust in the "what is" instead of "what I want to happen now or in the future".  I have found some faith in the Collective Wisdom of my life circumstances and feel that everything is as it should be in my spiritual journey... which I am not entirely privy to knowing or understanding.... but I still have faith in it.  I am only here for THAT purpose..... I will just let the circumstances of my physical life unfold as it needs to. 

I finally understand that everything I have been aching for, screaming for, needing, wanting and hoping for ALREADY exists in my life... and my heart. The love I need is already there and it is eternal. It will not change or die even as the physical form will.  I know i my heart that the only thing I needed was that love - and that I am certain of.  I do not neet to touch it or hold it to know that it is there.  I have learned this lesson before as I lost loved ones to to death.  I was not able to apply that understanding to this circumstance for some reason. There is still so much to be learned here in this realm of existence. 

The anxiety is gone now. I will continue to manage the limitations of this world of form which include the constant stream of mental thoughts and images... and the struggle of my ego to use fear in my motivations.  This means - the anxiety of my fears are gone, but the pain of being human and HAVING those fears still remains.  If I cut my skin, it will indeed bleed. This I cannot control. When my mind engages me and triggers of fear are activated - I will acutely feel pain, longing, aching.   It will take a great deal of presence and consciousness to remain in the moment and remain rooted in the truths I have discovered.  I will need to simply accept the pain of being human without identifying with the pain...or the fears.... or the thoughts that caused it.  WE are so much more than this.