jbmany's Journal

Today is one of those days.  Standing squarely in the center of all my fears realized, the urge to contact him is overwhelming. Fueled by rage and confusion. And I realize these are all secondary emotions.... usually to FEAR.  Fear of abandonment is most common for us all I think, childhood wounds that have only scabbed over now in the center of this drama called infidelity has been ripped back open and we are left on our knees, exsanguinating on the floor.  At least that's where I can be found about every 3rd or 4th day now.  I threaten myself that I would rather lose a finger than to text or email him.  I go through all the things I want to say to him.... angry things, sad things, loving things.  Then I think about the other side. I have no idea what is happening to him... or her in this moment.  Can't know or imagine their day today whether it was heaven or hell.  Would I risk breaking my word again? Would I risk adding to either of their pain at this point???  I cannot. I WILL NOT.  I must sit here and internalize the language of letting go.  I must manage my own pain without him and his support.  I must support him in this way by giving him the space to find his own truth. I must do the only kind thing I have ever done to her by giving them time and space to sort through all the pain and destruction.  I must shoot for SELFLESS this time around.  I must get up off this floor!!  I will go to sleep tonight repeating some of my favorite words by Richard Bach ..... "Trust what you know (in your heart to be true)  .... not what you fear".