DaveSWOhio's Journal

Journal Entry for May 9, 2008 Mood

Friday, May 9, 2008

I feel lost....I am so tired of just everything. I seem to not do anything right. I can't control my life anymore it seems everyone else does. You would think after all of these years I'd be in control of my own life. Needless to say I am as depressed as I can be and I am hurting inside SO bad. I don't want sympathy at all that's what I am not on here to do. Telling someone you are sory that they are depressed, and you feel ther're pain is bullshit. knowone feels my pain except myself. I don't mean that to run people of, it seems I do a good enough job of that on my own. I totally expect to much from people and seem to forget that they have lives as well, but wheb they say shit like ol' man I'll be there for you and they aren't WTF !

I know I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. I need to suck it up. I tell you this time it's hard. I can't find happiness in anything right now. It hurts....

I hope everyone is well and in good spirits. Sorry for this bumber Journal Entry.

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Dave, Dave Dave, It is okay to write a bummer JE....that is what the journaling is for. I do know how some people write, hey have a great day, when their day is great and yours sucks. I know I cannot feel your pain....I don't have the diseases like you have. I wish there was something I can do to help you. I just want you to know that you are very much on my heart, and always in my prayers. I know that sounds so patronizing...but it is not meant that way. If you read my journal entries from this week, I had a total day of melt down emotionally. I could not even decide why I was falling apart that day. Today is a new day for me....doing much better. You know I am a Christian, but I don't preach, or try to tell anyone how to live. Not my job. But I can share with you that if I did not have my faith, this situation would be so much more difficult. I always tell everyone I know a bit about how Hell will be. I had a preemie baby years ago that passed away. Everynight after the funeral I would cry and cry and cry because I believed she was in the ground and cold, and needed me-yes I was a bit nuts during that time of my life...My husband was raised catholic and had the faith and knowledge to know our baby was not in the ground but in Heaven. I would go everyday to the cemetary for weeks. I NEVER found peace doing so, but I was looking for something to make me feel better. Well, I had an old neighbor who had become one of those "born again" Christians...but the kind who liked to beat people over the head with the bible. Well after one of my cemetary trips, I was just so overwhelmed that I did not want to go home. I drove over to this persons house. THANKFULLY she was not there, but her sister who was much more mature was. I shared with her my heartbreak...and she shared the story of Job, which I had never heard before. She shared that my baby was immediatley with the Lord in Heaven when she passed. I can't tell you why, but those gentle words took the weight of the world off my shoulders. I finally could truly believe that my baby was not in the ground cold. Now I would love to tell you that I all of a sudden became a believer....that took a few more years. I did know and understand the peace that only God can give for that time of my life. So hell for me, is going through something so overwhelming in my life with out God. Once I became a Christian, my life did not become a bed of roses that is for sure. But I learned to trust and lean unto the Lord and not on my pea brain understanding. I don't know why I had to lose my baby, or have two more miscarriages, or have another preemie baby-who is now 28years old thankfully. But I learned to live and learn from those painfull times.
I know you have a daughter right? Maybe she needs to come by and visit with you. It is okay to ask our family members to help us when we need something. It is difficult to go through all of this without having some sort of support system, and God. I certainly hope I have not offended you, or you think I am going to thump you over the head with my bible. All that I have written is in love for you.
Have they checked for you gall bladder? That can cause a heck a lot of pain, oh wait a minute the pancreas is on the opposite side of the gall bladder. Just wanting to make sure you have had everything checked out...you never know.
I have shared with my husband about our like mindedness, and patriotism. Just know that we both are praying for you...and you have a special place in our hearts.
I hope you have a peaceful and pain free weekend.
God Bless You,
Barbara

5Starr
Hey Dave! You have been there for me on my good days as well as bad. I am here for you as well, buddy! It may not seem like it on those days you feel like pooh {myself, it always seems that when I have days like these nobody ever seems to be around}, but I'm here to tell you that is the pain talking. Even if I'm not online, I'm still thinking of you, wonderin how you are. And there is no shame letting it all hang out on your JI! Hell, thats what it's for! I just want tell you that I CARE!!! Get back to me when you can, my friend. Your buddy, Allen

snoopdogspop
you know damn well I know your pain!!! I care and I am just as fed up..hold on tight brother...I love you! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

serenity55
Hi Dave. I'm new here and just wanted to say my 39 yr. old daughter was recently diagnoised with cirrhosis. I'm scared. I know this is going to be a tough ride.Hold on,and keep the faith.Donnalsusan

donnalsusan
Hi Dave, I'm sorry that your struggling. Pain is the touchstone of growth and sometimes it just takes what it takes for us to surrender. It took near death for myself to surrender and this is how it happened to me.

I was coming to from the night before. I awoke in bad pain because I fell down the stairs the night before at a party and cracked my ribs. I also remembered I brought my son to the party and he got drunk upstairs with the kids. I felt spiritually, physically and morally bankrupt. I slowly reached to the bedside table and took a sip of the stale wine from the night before. It tasted nasty but it was the only way I could get up at the end.

I sighed with a heart and body full of pain. I looked up and said, "God, either help me to stop drinking or be merciful and take my life". All of a sudden I decided to try and get help. It was like God gave me the will to try. I slowly and painfully got out of bed and went downstairs and opened the phone book. I made about 20 calls until I found a detox hospital that would take me. I drove myself there and never looked back. I had surrendered. I had hit my rock bottom.

I walked in those doors with all the determination of a dying woman, which I was. I for the first time was teachable and listened and took all the suggestions. That was on October 2nd 2002. I still do the same simple things I learned back then. I don't drink, go to meetings, pick up the phone, ask for help, trust in God, and be of service to others inside and outside the halls.

I know for me the pain had to be excruiating before I surrendered. My plea to God was from the heart. in a meeting once someone said, "Sometimes an honest cry from the heart can pierce the ear of God". I was like Bingo!

I don't know if this helps at all but I know since that day I surrendered my obsession has been lifted. Even so, I don't want to ever go back to my old life so I still do the same things today.

Please don't lose faith and I will keep you in my prayers,
Kelly :)

Keleee
Ok ya say ya don't want sympathy well ya know that challenges ole Ellie - get your ass up and call me ya lazy man (lol). Been very worried about ya cause miss our daily messaging and our silliness.

Sides still badly need ya to find Sally my squirell a mate - Tasmoe's dad has her held captive in her hospital room for now so ya got a bit of time.

Did ya not get my message the other night I sent w/my phone # - just suddenly outta the blue I was worried about ya and wanted to talk to ya.

I'll message ya w/my # and you better call ok or I'll have to resort to old method of chucking hard biscuit at ya w/my handy sling-shot.

But to be serious for a moment. I so luv and respect you and am proud to consider you a friend - need ya my friend and as you know I'm ALWAYS here for you. How else cann I live vicariously thru Catie???

EllieMaeClampett